Priorities..

So I called my OB's office. It is made up of a collective of OB's, CNMW's, US techs, nurses, etc. Of course I get the voice mailbox for the "triage" nurse. (got to love it, the term triage implies urgent classification right? And it is a voice mailbox!!!) So I leave my message...

Hi, Patient of Dr. O's. I have been diagnosed with missed miscarriage, my LMP was November 19th, 2008, had ultrasound on 1/5/09 confirming non-viable, had appointment with Dr. O on 1/8/09. She wanted me to follow up in two weeks. It has been three weeks and I have no signs that I will miscarry anytime soon. I would like an appointment with Dr. O. Please call me back at xxx-xxx."

That was 11:00am...

And it is now 7:13 pm and NO CALL! Triage my ass! When it is their idea they are all over you, riding you to "comply" (or should I say become submissive to their godly requests) with what they want. But when it is my life, my emotions, on the line... what do I get.... NO CALL BACK!

I know everything happens for a reason, and maybe, just maybe it is because I should just wait a bit longer.. Who knows...

I did start up again on the Black and Blue Cohosh. Maybe now that I have had some contractions, things will eventually move along.. Any day now...

Next steps?

Well, it has now been something rediculous like 3+ weeks since diagnosis with absolutely no progress. I am starting to have serious doubts that my body will handle things. But most importantly, I WANT THIS OVER! I want to go on with my life. I feel like I am in such a state of limbo. Emotionally I am handling the loss ok, but I just want my life to be back to some sort of normal. I have no idea when I will actually miscarry. I have no sings that it will be soon, or another two weeks! I want to get on with my life! I want something besides looking forward to a miscarriage to look forward to!

I am still not convinced another D&C is the right idea. The thoughts of a 5lb weighted speculum, the possibility of having a tooth knocked out or vocal cords damaged due to intubation for general anesthesia just because I am tired of waiting, is not a good idea.

I just do not know. I am considering the medical management style. Taking the pills and getting it over with. Getting onto the other side. The healing side. I cannot even start healing yet!

Stork Huntin... Ye HAW!

Anyone up for a stork hunt with me?

Not as bad as previous cravings, but it is there! Thank god not as many people up here in rural counry believe in putting that ugly wooden stork with the little ballon for a newborn up on their lawns. If they did, I would have my truck fog lights on and my shotgun out!

Storks beware!

Anyone else want some salt to rub into the infertile, womb of deathwoman?

Right up there with the insensitive pro-life sign in front of the Milltown NJ Roman Catholic Church. It proclaimed:

CHOOSE LIFE, ABORTION STOPS A BEATING HEART.

And let me tell you there were days I wanted to drive over the curb, take out that friggin thing and then walk over to the rectory and tell the shallow minded preist who never suffered carrying a dead baby within them to pack this pole up his pious ass!

What are you saying to us who do not have a choice! I have no choice. What choice do I have besides carrying another heart that is not beating within me! You know what my choice is. A D&C. The medical abortion. Does not matter if it is viable or not. It is still in your records as an Abortion. More salt please?

So there are some of us out there that do not have the choice of life. That choice has been made for us.

It is really not a competition

It is not. Really.

But reading a thread on one of my boards, and we talk about how some days that is exactly what it feels like.

I was married years, many years ahead of my college friends. DH and I started "trying" before, yet it seems most of my friends have at least one child older than ours. Not to mention the second round has begun for many of them, while here I am....

It is really not a competition. Really. That is what I tell myself. I have been told the old adage of things like "quality not quantitiy" etc.. But unlike Marry Poppins spoon full O sugar, it does not help the dissapointment go down any easier...

Today...

Not much to post today. Been really busy at work. So that keeps the old mind from fixating on things.

But I have had some horrible feelings of being a "dead baby" incubator lately. Harsh I know.. But that is the words that come to mind.

I am still toying with the idea looking up the abortion cocktail pills. Although I have heard horror stories about them. But after all everyone makes stories about miscarriage and birth to sound scary, surreal, and exagerated a bit.. Why is that? Are we looking for some sort of award, my experience was way worse than yours or something?

I guess after going through so many variations of miscarriages, that yeah, some were pretty gripping, but then others were mild. Don't get me wrong, not exactly a party or something I would sign up for, but in retrospect, there was nothing about them that was horror story worthy. Nope. No movie material.

I think it has a lot to do with emotions, time, and how our mind processes events.

Goals, Planning, and Chaos

I am a goal setter. I do not think I have ever found myself to be complacient at where I am, what I am doing. There is always something better, something more for me to strive for, drive myself for. And I would say 99% of the time that is a good thing! Leading to personal growth and development.

But what I have found the hard way is that being a goal setter, a planner can also lead to the biggest dissapointments.

Lets look at people who don't plan, who don't have long term goals they are striving to achieve. Those are the ones that make comments like 'I fell pregnant, it was an accident'. Like it was something that just happened to them, without them trying. Like getting a bill in the mail.

But then for someone like me there is no accident. It is an event that had a cause. There is always a cause. One might not like to think of what caused the accident, or be able to handle the accountability of their actions, but there is a cause! Always! For instance in the "falling pregnant" catagory. The cause... yeah really hard to think of one huh... SEX. Without that there would have been absolutely no possibility of their gavid state!

So as a planner, I have set goals. Ones like graduate college, find the good job, get the husband, get the nice house, have a family.... And there is where it goes completely and utterly wrong...

It is not like I was specific or anything. I was not trying to plan for a birth month, a boy or a girl. Hell. I just wanted a baby! I did not care if it was a summer baby, winter baby, blue moon baby.

But no.

We finally managed to be blessed with one. But I never wanted an only child. I never even fathomed having one. I always pictured my family having two or three children. I never wanted my child to be a lot older than their siblings.

But that is where it all went wrong. Now I am at a state in my life where I wonder if I will have to "settle" for only one. If I will have to re-evaluate my goals, the desires I have, the image of my family I wanted.

And that is what pisses me off. It is not like I am settling for the car with less options. It is not like I can do anything about this! The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of no matter how hard I work at it, it is for naught. It is not like I can save up and get the car with the options I want. It is just NOT THERE!

I do not settle for much. There must be a way!

26Jan09, waiting day 22

Still waiting. Still no sign this will come to an end..

I am now 9 weeks 5 days pregnant... And waiting... Waiting for my body to finally realize that what I have within me is non-viable..

Sometimes the emotion of this is overwhelming. Making me want to crawl into a hole and cover my head.. But no such option...

Other times I have protected myself in a skeleton of numbness. For instance we went to the children's museum on Sunday, and DD loved it. She had a blast. We were in one section where there were tons of little kids, under 1 year. I was staring off into space thinking about DD when DH grabs my arm and states "I know, it will be ok, we will have one soon". I was not even thinking about the fact that I did not have a new baby, or planning for one.

But he was. Sometimes I forget about how hard this is on him. How much of an emotional toll this takes on him. He was thinking about it. He was mourning the fact that we have not had another child, that we will not have one anytime soon. It was my time to comfort him.

Most days I am numb to the idea. Somehow pushing it into the back of my mind so I do not go insane. Other moments I am a train wreck.

Irrational thoughts, part 2

Ok, so the longer this draws on, the more my irrational thoughts grow.

Now the thoughts are scary, irrational fears of something going horribly wrong. Maybe the placenta has grown into my uterine wall, maybe it is a molar that was missed. Maybe I will bleed to death if I wait. Maybe I will have to have surgery to remove my uterus, ending my chances of ever having a child...

Ok, I told you they were irrational... But if you have ever heard an OB scare tactic, these are in there believe it or not...

I expressed these to DH after I could not fall asleep, and he told me I was being rediculous, and that I am fine, and waiting longer is fine... I felt a little better..

The invisible pain

The invisible pain. Why do I write this? Because miscarriage is a lonely beast. It is an event that seems outside of the realm of day to day life. Something intangible.

I wrote something similar about how I felt about dealing with my emotions after my cesarean. It seems that because my pain is not visible, not obvious to people, that somehow it is negated. In context of a cesarean, where you are split hip to hip, your abdominal muscles torn apart, you are disabled (for a while, the time of healing differing from person to person). But no one sees this, no one cares, it is as if it was not there. Yet if you have a gaping wound on your arm, using crutches, people sympathise, people offer help. But with a cesarean wound, you suffer alone.

And miscarriage is like that. It seems that no one else gets it. No one else understands the depth of the pain, the loss. To me others cannot relate, because it is not like they ever met the person you lost. They never saw them, they never touched them. Yet we touched them, we nurtured them within us. But somehow it is less than a death. Less tangible.

Are we entitled to bereavement time from work for a miscarriage? no.

I had a nurse at my RE's office state "well you should be glad it was so early, it was not even really a baby yet". OK SO WHAT THE F WAS IT?!?

People. If you just don't get it, don't say anything.

Pain?

So, all last night I felt off, and had what feels like PMS symptoms, back ache, tightness in my stomach. Went to bed.

This AM, I am being hit with the worst cramps I have felt in a long time. Long waves of pain doubling me over. Still no bleeding, but maybe this is the beginning. I have taken three advil to numb it a bit so I can work without making exclamations. Sitting at my desk sucks. I get the urge to go to the bathroom all the time, yet nothing going on..

I HATE that. I hate that my bladder is so tied to my uterine emotions. (another present of my cesarean section).

Well, who knows, but I have this feeling that this weekend things will be interesting.

What did I do?

I know this is a common theme among people suffering. That it must have been something they have done, some way they pissed off the gods of the world.

And everyone always reminds you"Oh honey, this is nothing you did, you did not cause this" and then some add on the "oh, it is just bad luck" "oh, it was for the best", or some other mundane thoughtless comment that if the person stopped and thought a moment, would realize was moronic to even state.

So what did I do?

Did I pull the wings off of insects?
Did I stomp on anthills?
Did I pollute the world?
Was my carbon footprint too big?

Did I not pray enough as a child?
Did I not light enough candles at church?


What was it? WHAT WAS IT! I shake my fist at the Heavens! DAMN YOU!

And then the part of me that some how managed to survive, my sarcastic part, the part where I still laugh when I see a good trip and fall, and can't help it.

So, I must have been one bad ass son of a bitch in a previous life. Yes that is it. I was like some mean spirited warrior who ran from town to town pillaging and destroying life in my wake, as I grew happy and fat from the plunders of war! Laughing as I cut down life.. Yes, that must be it. That must be why I have been chosen to suffer.

Ahh, makes me feel better than stating all my years of being good were for naught.
Years teaching Sunday school
Years devoted to bible study
Years volunteering 18+hours of my life on an urban first aid and rescue squad
Years working in the biopharmecutical fields, making cures, and working for quality
Years paying my taxes as they are due.

Makes one want to run out and break a law huh...

Birth? ? ? ?

Well, I posted an update about me on the ICAN webboard. And I had a reply about how this is a birth.

At first I did not know how to react. Birth in the classical definition is the bringing forth of new life. Well, don't fit that description.

So is Birth also defined as the ending events of a pregnancy? I guess it would be how you look at it. My only living child was extracted from my body via cesarean section orchestrated by my obstetrical team prior to labor. Did I or Do I consider her arrival via vaginal bypass a birth? Nope.

Each person creates their own definition of the word so that it best fits for them. Some are ok rationalizing cesareans as a form of birth.
To me Birth signifies the achievement of a pregnancy, the moment your baby and your body orchestrate a dance that is only seen in humans. When a new life is brought into the world by the hard work of a laboring mother.

There is even a term for the delivery of a post 20 week pregnancy, still-birth. Born still to the world. But nothing for miscarriage.

No miscarriage is not looked upon as birth, or still-birth. It is looked upon as a pregnancy that was not meant to be. A mistake that was weeded out of the world. A "common" occurrence that happens to X% of pregnancies. NO BIG DEAL! Right. That is what the synopsis is. Miscarriages are medically managed, either with chemicals to induce your body to expel the products of conception (don't even call it a baby), or they surgically vacuum and scrape it out.

So how can I put the words Birth into this? I don't think I can. It is too emotionally tied to a good outcome, to an event I look forward to, to the moment when I meet my angel come to earth.

I will not send out "birth" announcements. There will be no "baby moon". There will be nothing. Just the big empty void that is left behind after each and every miscarriage I have.

The only person who will support me through this labor will be my poor husband, who is war torn and traumatized of the whole thing. There will be no midwife encouraging me. There will be no one there hoping of good outcomes, telling me how I can do this, how it will be soon when I can hold my child. Nope. Not me. Not this time.

I cannot call this Birth. I will not call the emotional hell I am experiencing my birth experience. It is NOT. It is so wrong on multiple levels of my consciousness.

So what is this? What is this to me? A loss. A physical event that I must endure. It feels like being diagnosed with a stone. You know, a kidney stone. One where you know you will go through hell, and in the end pass this object and life will move on.

That is what this is. It has stopped being a life to me a long time ago. My soul parted with the essence of baby that day on the table, when all I saw was an empty black sack. It was gone. I felt it go. Like a whisper escaping a dying mans lips. It evaporated, any dreams, hopes, desires died that day. Taken from me yet again. What is left is the mirror of that big black hole on my heart, my soul. I turned off.

Now I feel like I must endure a sickness, a plague, that somehow will never go away. Each day it is there, a tender breast, a smell that turns my stomach, but now it is just a retched reminder of what I will not have. It is merely no more than the side effects of this disease I have.

So, no, there will be no birth plan, there will be no birth day. It will just be an end. An end to yet another chapter of suffering in my life.

And it will also be a beginning. The day when hope will be allowed back in. The day I can start looking to my body beginning it's slow journey back to normal. The day I will allow my self to even ponder the idea of a next time.

Life, a musing

Life washes over me, around me. Flowing as a multicolored swirl. I stand within this wash of color, teeming with life. Yet I am apart from it. Separated, segregated. Allowed to watch as it passes by, yet unable to feel the emotions. Joy escapes my touch. Pain a deep dark memory.

life moves on. Am I a part of it? Or a mere voyer on the outside, privy to watch others live. Time slows to a crawl, senses numb, the environ spinning around me. A bit of conversation, a noise from over there. Everyday objects become distant obstacles.

Life pulses around me. I reach out my hand, yet is it my hand? I cannot feel, I cannot grasp life. It races in minute dust tracts, ever faster, ever spinning out of reach. The void surrounds, envelopes my senses.

Everything seems grey, there yet not there, here yet not here. Slowed by some beating of a song not heard. Each movement precise, yet seems to not accomplish its intended action.

I close my eyes. Will life stop if I do? Will closing my mind stop the inevitable? Images flash on the dark screen of my life. Bits of things left not remembered. Opening my eyes seems impossible, heavy, leadded lids laughing at my command. No they say. life such as yours should not be seen.

A smell, a sound, soon I find myself where I began. The room so ordinary around me. Nothing has changed but the hands on the clock, ticking away life moments. I turn around, and my body responds, no hint of it's stubborn disobedience. People. People around me. Carrying on. Moving through their lives.

Someone calls out to me, reaches out to me. I am torn from my world of dark reflection. Life has gone on.

Why not, just a little drink?

So I work at a biopharmaceutical company. We make biologic cures, stuff for cancer, etc.

I was in a meeting and the group that oversees bioreactors starts talking about the methotrexate need for the next runs.

Methotrexate. Hum. We have tons of it. Literally. Bulk drums..

How much would I need? Is it in the lab?

My mind wanders to the idea of yet another poison to somehow scour this thing that is plaguing me from my worn torn body.

Should I call the OB? Should I start discussing using the abortion cocktails? Will it work or just be more hell. Will it diminish the feeling of "conclusion" that I had after my natural miscarriages?

I just do not know. How much longer can I live this existence.

So if it is Genes?

DH and I were having a discussion. So if for some reason, it is genetic, and the combination of his genes and mine just don't work, then what?

He then goes on to say ...... "Maybe we are related in some obscure way" To which we both laugh and find that extremely rare.

So then we start wondering how to "prove" it is the genetic mix of us together.

First, he will go out and impregnate a woman. But only one would not be scientific, so he would have to do it in triplicate, just to make sure (Of course this plan brought much laughing and teasing).

And then for me, I would have to go out and sleep with numerous men until I successfully conceived. "Now was it Ed? Or was it Phil? Hummm, maybe Tom?" ( I must say this did not bring quite as much joviality as his saunter to sow his oats... ?!? Double standard?)

Well, that was a nice joking moment trying to understand the misunderstood. Some way to make sense of a situation that is just beyond our cognitive abilities.

Hey, it was worth a laugh.

My anthem

It is funny how moments in my life are captured with song. They say that memories are built like building blocks, with the more senses used at the time, the more of a chance that the memory will be imprinted stronger. So they say.

There are a few moments in my life where various songs and music I can now relate to a window in my life. How the song could paint my emotions at the time.

As a frustrated, misunderstood teen it was "Out the Window" by Violent Femmes

Then as a college student trying to understand relationships "When I come around" by Green Day

Or the long highway moments on my honeymoon driving up Interstate 81 to Tom Petty's greatest hits

My leaving my first post university job, sunroof open, radio blaring "This town is wrong" by The Nields

Planning the birth of my first child to the album "Matriarch" by Joanne Sheanandoah

Being sliced open while awake in a cold OR to "Dancing Queen" by Abba as they extracted my first child (NOTE, this was not my choice, but what the OR team had on in the background)

And a song exerpt that summs up my hellish attempt to build a family....

{ When I see what is real in the dark
Midlife Crisis, broken Heart
I'm glad that no one told me it was coming
I'd rather live expecting the best
But if you gave me the choice, I'd like to know the rest
A figure in the distance always running }

Another Nerissa and Katrina Nields song, it is about a relationship that has soured, but for me the heartfelt lament is about the figure in the distance, the child that I just cannot reach. In the end the song ends with the chorous

{I've got to make it on my own}

So true. So freaking true.

Friend of Foe?

Well, I have been taking the vitamin C and herbs and....

NOTHING! NOTHING NA NA NA NOTHING!

All I have is a bad case of vitamin C overdose, sitting on the toilet all day long. My ass is raw.

The freaking black and blue cohosh have done nothing! Not a twinge, not a cramp, not even a pms symptom!

Started taking two days of Angelica, and now all I have is kidney pain! I feel sick. I feel nausious.

I am done. I am done poisoning myself in hopes of ending this hell I live in. There appears to be no way out. No way of lessening the pain.

So I have stopped the herbs. I had such luck with them in the past (after I was already spotting), but this time nothing!

Miscarriage day 11 1/16/08

DH asked me how far along I would be today.

And my answer 'I don't know'.

I killed my tickers, I erased my Fertility Friend pregnancy page. How far along would I be today?

What would I be reading in those weekly updates "Today your baby is the size of a lima bean. The fingers and toes ....."

Instead I am writing a blow by blow synopsis of
"What not to expect when you are no longer expecting"
Just peachy!

'Day 11, your baby is still not there. You still hold onto hope, yet there is nothing to hold onto. Your body is a dumb biological process that chemically still thinks things are progressing. Yet every time you use the bathroom, the toilet paper check is executed'

Having one of those moments.

Oh, by the way, ~8 weeks

Irrational thoughts

As time goes by, the irrational thoughts creep in. Wait a minute, maybe everything is fine! Hey I thought I felt a flutter?!? I guess still having pg boobs does not help matters. Even have the occasional bout of nausia.

And then I ground myself. Hellooo... Remember the big empty black hole of a gestational sack!

And the black hole of miscarriage swallows me up again.

ICAN and me..

I posted this to my email list for ICAN. I am a member of the "International Cesarean Awareness Network" and have attempted to start up a local chapter here in the seacoast New Hampshire area. The focus is to inform women of their birthing rights, to work with women to allow the freedom of birth choice, hospital, home, birth center, VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), repeat cesarean with a more mom-centered approach, etc.

However, I have found it difficult, as I have outlined in the post below.

I have a question for other chapter leaders.
I have not been very good at getting my chapter started, so I am a chapter of one. Part just being overwhelmed, and then mainly my life being an emotional rollercoaster hell ride. SO my question is this..
How do you answer the emails that come in from local women, looking for information, begging for help, when you yourself need someone to rescue you? (OK, a little dramatic) I just feel empty, drained, going through infertility, feeling like I may never get a chance to VBAC, and then now trying to stay afloat while waiting for the loss of my sixth baby to happen?
I have these two emails in my inbox, from women looking for me to be the source of information, encouragement, and honestly, I just do not know if I can write back. How can I be what they need when I cannot even be what I need? If I only had more people around here, in this area, an actual chapter, then maybe I could have asked someone more capable to handle this at the moment.
But what should I do? I need to help these women, I need to somehow pull it together and help, but I just feel so overwhelmed. Maybe I should just dissolve my hopes of a local chapter, but then who would be here?
Thanks for listening, and any suggestions would be great.

Well, and the responses.... NOT A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT! One person told me to just keep on going, to answer these email pleas of help. With what?!? How can I give encouragement, help, when I myself feel helpless?

Miscarriage day 7 1/12/09

Not much to update. Still hanging in there. Can't believe a week has gone by. Somehow keeping busy with life.

Apointment with OB 1/8/09

Well, anxiety was high, emotions a mess. Appointment with Dr. O today.

Drove over there from work. My body hurting all over. I am so tired of the stress. My head feels like it will explode.

The office is at the hospital, so i have to find a place to park in the parking garage, and then walk into the "professional" building side of the hospital. the waiting room thankfully is not that full. I try not to look around. The receptionist want's to know why I am there, what do I say? I reply "a follow up vist". Once I am signed in, thank god I barely sat down when the nurse calls my name to go back.

So there I am and nurse asks me "why I am there" I state, a follow up. We do the weight, pulse and pressure routine. And I return to sitting in the visitor chair. That is one think I have learned in dealing with doctors. DO NOT sit on the exam table. It puts you in the position of patient from the minute they walk in. So I am sitting there, waiting, (ok, playing a game on my phone, which i find is really usefull when you have to do a lot of waiting, {I wore out one touch screen during Madeline's pregnancy with all the waiting room wating I did}).

She walks in and asks "how are you doing". I reply with "First, let me give you the disclaimer, I am in the anger stage of loss dealing. And I am just really angry at the world, you happen to be walking upon it in close range to me, so I apologize in advance if I say something inapropriate or come off hostile". She just smiles and states 'ok. noted'. She looks over my file real quick and starts up with, well we can schedule a D&C. I tell her nope. No thank you. She asks me why. I tell her that I have had a D&C in the past and it was hell. I had to wait a week and a half to have surgery, they told me they would not need to intubate me, and I woke up coughing up blood clots, bruising on my jaw. Found out only after I asked three days later that "I was fighting them, and they had to sedate me deeper" I also developed a UTI from their catheter use. Told her the Tylenol was not a good pain pill for post scraped out uterus. Told her that I ended up having PTSD after the surgery, and became fixated on what was done to me while unconcious.

She stated that waiting was an option, and proceeded to list the risks associated : infection, heavy bleeding, retained products of conception, infection resulting in hysterectomy, emergency D&C, etc. I then countered with the risks of a D&C, infection, perforation, scarring, heavy bleeding, retained POC, with the added risks of anesthesia on top, blood clots, reactions to anesthetic, cardiac arrest, emboilsim. etc.

I reminded her that this is not the first time I have done this. I have had one D&C and then three natural miscarriages, one being at 12 weeks. No complications from any of them. She stated I was an informed consumer, and knew what I was talking about.

We agreed to work together. She if I wanted would look up the medical abortion cocktail (she does not do abortions, so does not know what it is, but is willing to look it up) and would support me through that. Only wishing that I start the medications on a Monday so if I needed emergency surgery, she could do it. We decided that if I changed my mind, that I could come back in and schedule surgery. We both agreed that we would re-asses the situation after two weeks has gone by.

She then wanted to know if I have thought about birth control. If I "Ever wanted to do this again". I really was not ready for that discussion, and told her that emotionally I am not in a place to discuss this topic. That I want to get through this and then go from there. I told her that it took me three years to consider having another go at pregnancy after my ordeal with Madeline. She started talking about sterilization, long term birth control options. My response was, DH and I have been able to deal with my fertility for years now without birth control, we can handle it now thank you.

So we left on good terms. She believes in "hug therapy" so I was given a big hug. She is a good OB (as OB's come) a bit short sighted, but if I had to pick one for GYN issues, she would be it. Her practice does not "do" VBAC's and neither does the hospital attached. So that is the main reason I will not choose them for my prenatal care.

So that is that. It was not as bad as I had made it out to be. And in the end I felt a little better.

Miscarriage day 3 1/7/09

Well, OB's office has been calling wanting me to come right in, ASAP. I don't want to. I do not feel like dealing with the confrontation that will ensue. Why? What is the f-ing rush. No bleeding, boobs still sore. Still nausious as hell.

So I told them I would come in at the end of the week, I wanted friday, they gave me thursday.

Why I do not want a D&C

So leaving the office and having the nurse tell me "you will want a D&E" brought back a rage. I wanted to yell at her. NO. I will NOT want another surgical scraping of my uterus thank you very much!

So what is attractive to a D&C that so many women "demand" them? Well first, D&C is the medical term for dilation and curettage of the uterine contents. Why would women want this? Part of me states out of ignorance, but the true answer would be convenience, and some think of it as an "easier" way out of a crappy situation. Now don't get me wrong, like any surgical procedure, they can be life saving, but I am talking about "ELECTIVE" terminations.

Physiologically why have a D&C, it is stated as a 'controlled' event. Instead of a spontaneous miscarriage ruining your new beige linen pants, you schedule a convenient day. Shave your legs all nice, get a pedicure, and then go get your uterus scraped out. You wake up, and have minor cramping, "current practice is to tell you to take Tylenol for the "menstrual like" cramps" and some light red bleeding. Bleeding lasts 2-3 weeks, and expect your period to arrive 6-9 weeks after surgery. Voila. All done.

Emotionally why have a D&C. Some may find the thought of carrying around a dead baby too much to deal with. Some may find waiting unbearable. Some may be afraid of having a miscarriage, after all we all have heard horror stories {So and so bled all over the place, the ambulance had to take her out of work! Oh the pain was so bad I passed out! etc.}. Who would take that route if the blue pill was offered.

Why not to have a D&C, physiologically. First it is uterine surgery. They first "sound" the uterus with a blunt metal rod (oh, that can't perforate a hole in your uterus now can it?) inserting it up to see how large your uterus is. Then they forcefully dilate with metal rods of varying diameter. Insert a suction catheter, swirl it around a couple of times, and then introduce the currette, think a hollowed out spoon where the inside surface is razor sharp, and scrape the lining. If you want a better play by play read "A woman in residence". It is quite horrific, she an OB resident states how "graphic" and how violent it is. So what are the risks associated with this? Perforated uterus, infection, hemorrhage, scarring (which can interfere with future implantation and placenta) etc. But that is the risk of only the actual surgery on the uterus. Due to it being under anesthesia "twilight sleep" or general, you now carry the risk of those as well. Blood clots, anesthetic reactions, broken teeth, damaged vocal cords, etc. Not to mention they sometimes throw in a urinary catheter so add urinary tract infection to the list.

The emotional reasons to not have a D&C. It is a procedure that is done to you. you are unconscious. You are completely at the hands of strangers in a strange place. The "twilight sleep" anesthesia is enough to weird anyone out. It is where they give you meds to make you not remember, but you still can answer their questions, and react and do as your told like "spread your legs". Now that is enough to make any rape survivor wig out! In the end, you do not have the feeling of closure, just a feeling of emptiness. A hollow void. They call the baby "products of conception" and ship it off to the path lab to be tested and thrown away as medical waste. It is a day event, and they send you off home all better now.

I had a D&C, and I will post the horror event another time.

A little help from my friends

So, I decided to try and give my body a little help realizing that what I am carrying is not meant to be. Funny how now, after all these months of trying, and using progesterone, my body is holding onto this without spotting, without bleeding. Just the way it is supposed to work. A nice nurturing womb environment.

But why this time? Why this time does my body decide to work, yet life decides to leave me early? I know, life is full of why's and rarely do I ever find out the "ah ha" moment, where the end of series reveals all those pent up events, those moments that need a closer. A pity that life is not like TV, or a good book. No revalations into why I must endure.

So, after reading Susun Weed's books http://www.susunweed.com/ and a bunch of stuff on the internet decided to try taking herbs and stuff to speed things along. www.sisterzeus.com/Abortif.htm

Taking ~6,000 mg of vitamin C. This is supposed to inhibit progesterone, thus lowering the circulating progesterone to the uterine lining, causing spotting, etc.

Taking 400mg of Black Cohosh 4-5x a day. Supposed to relax the cervix and allow things to move.

Talking 4-5 cups of Blue cohosh tincture (20 drops in a small amount of warm water) supposed to coordinate uterine contractions.

I also bought some Angelica, but everything states to wait and let the vitamin C and others do their job before taking it.

So who knows. Maybe I will be able to help things along. Living in this in-between world, pregnant, yet not pregnant is hell.

The fist look 1/5/09

Well, it is the day of the first look. The first ultrasound. I am 6 weeks 5 days, so we should see a nice beating heart in my little bean.

We had to get up early and have Madeline to school by 7:00am so we could make it to our appointment at 7:30. I was nausious, nervous, and having anxiety moments. But overall Maddie was good, and went to school without any issues.

So we arrived at the RE's office and did not have to wait long, signed in and did not even remove our coats when they brought us back. I assumed the position and in came the ultrasound tech and one of the nurses. DH told them all that this was an important moment for us, since we have had so many losses before. I explained that it was important to know what was going on because previously my early ultrasounds were emotional hell, when the tech just asked me stupid things like "are you sure you are not bleeding?" Uhm, ya think I would have noticed bood coming out of my vagina and told someone!

So I get to put the magic wand (transvaginal ultrasound wand) up inside me. I lie there holding DH hand, my eyes tightly closed. A couple of minutes go by and the tech announces "there is the gestational sack". I turn over and look. Right there on the screen this big perfectly oblong shaped sack. And a perfect big black hole inside it. I just instantly state "and it is empty".

The nurse just replies "The tech will take a good look around". A couple minutes pass by, the nurse asks "have your other pregnancies gone this way? No fetal pole, not even a yolk sack?" My answer "NO, previous ones had a fetal pole, and a yolk sack, both the pre-Madeline ones and Madeline's twin".

So I was told, it was "not what I expected" and that was followed up with "You will want a D&E, and what is your OB's name". Pretty much they were washing their hands of me. Shipping me out. They left for me to get dressed, and delibrately moved a box of tissues to the table next to us. I was too numb to need them. I was bordering on numb to this intense anger. The Why word was creeping up on me. I just got dressed, pulled on my jacket, my hat, my gloves and after the nurse did not come back in, I told DH we are going. We opened the door and started heading to the front exit.

The nurse stops us on the way, saying again how "she knows this is not what I wanted" I could not say anything. The things I wanted to say were just pure anger, frustration, hatred talking. {YA FING THINK! YA THINK I WANT ANOTHER DEAD BABY! Oh I WANTED TO GO THROUGH THIS HELL AGAIN< DID NOT QUITE GET EOUGH THE LAST FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!!} But somehow I was able to just keep my head down and get through it. She anounced again how I should make an appointment with my OB soon and schedule the D&E.
I stated thanks, and left.

DH and I just went out in the parking lot. I had this overwhelming urge to spike the coffee he just handed me with a bottle of Jamesons Whiskey. Too bad I don't keep it in my glove compartment for moments like this. So we hugged. And vowed that we would get through this.

And I drove off to work. I managed to get a phone call in to my Mom. I could hardly talk. I did not want to say the words, I could not get them out of my mouth, it was like they were spinning in my head so fast, that they could not move past the knot in my neck. I just called, and stated. "Mom, this one is a no-go". She just sobbed out "oh Carrie, I am so sorry". I could not take it. I did not want to hear it. I could not talk about it. I did not want to vocalize these words. The words I hoped I would never have to use again. So I told her I loved her, and was on my way to work and I would talk to her later.

We had to drop DH car off at the shop so we drove there, and then he was to take me to work and use my truck to get around all day. So he was there with me.

Work was hell. I was numb. Yet again a walking zombie. Trying to keep my emotins from creeping up on me. But I found myself crying at my desk, trying to hide in the corner so no one would see me. I went to see my co-worker Sue, she was the only one at work who "knew" because she was like my mom and before the holidays she told me she "knew" I was pregnant. I guess it is just a mom thing. She felt horrible. And tried offering little comments to make me feel better. I told my co-worker Colleen, because she always asks me "howya doin?" And this time she caught me crying. She gave me a hug, (after looking both ways to make sure no one was looking :).

He came to pick me up for lunch and we went out to Ruby Tuesdays. It was nice to have him with me, but I was so nausious I did not even think I could eat. We ordered food anyways, and I would cry on and off, quiet tears that just seemed to spring up like a well under pressure. Somehow we managed to eat parts of our lunch. We held hands a lot. He talked about how we would get through this. And that we are still a family, and how we will be ok. That he was not going to leave me alone. This is probably the only good thing about him being unemployed.

I went back to work and tried to somehow keep going. Finding things to do that would keep my mind off of things.

The holidays

So the holidays went well. We decided to not tell anyone about our "news" just yet. My mom did not understand. She was excited and wanted to tell everyone. Her logic was "we kept it a secret the last times you had miscarriages, and it did not do any good, so why not celebrate now?" In a way I could see her logic, be happy for today. But I have found that if you are really happy today, and get yourself ready for a happy outcome, when it goes south, it is that much harder of a fall. Plus you have to try to explain things to people who have never had a pregnancy loss. And then you have to listen to people feel "bad" for you or say things that just make you feel worse.

So Mom and Dad knew. And I splurged christmas morning and told my sister since I felt good and my mom's positive vibes were wearing off on me. DH was upbeat too, and it was like a nice private secret that we could giggle about and laugh. Already the thoughts for the future start poping into existance. An August baby, a State Fair baby, a new baby for the holidays next year. Maternity clothes in the summer, no AC in our house while verry pregnant.. You just can't stop it. They just happen.

It was hard to not look like I was staying away from the alcohol without drawing attention to the fact but I did.

Madeline had a great christmas. And I vowed to not think about my pregnancy and just celebrate what I had, one wonderful three year old who thought reindeer are plastic! We made cookies together (she kicked dad out since it was a gilrs only kitchen) and we had so much fun decorating the house, planning our visit to family.

So the holidays were nice, filled with hope, and a full dose of being thankful for what we have, our little family.