Supprise

Well, DH was beyond belief when I pulled out the HPT. He thought I pulled a fast one on him, with an old stick....

He just shook his head in disbelief, a massive S.E.G. on his face... Which was followed up with "well if I knew we were going to try this cycle, I would have had more SEX!!!!"

His next statement was "But we only BD once!!!!" Followed up with "This sort of thing happens to other people not US!"

Yeah, not us... It has been months of charting, temping, RE appointments, and massive amounts of timed BD in order to get a BFP. We were told we were SUB-Fertile!

But here we are, second cycle after my loss, and not even trying!

The Unexpected....

Ok, I know people tell you this all the time... {when you stop caring too much, that is when it happens}.

Well, I just don't know. I know I have sort of given up TTC, I know I really felt resigned that Maddie will be an only. I even started looking at other things to keep me busy since building my family was a loosing battle. So I went through the process to get my NH EMT license (used to have a NJ license) and joined the local Fire/EMS/Rescue department. I have PLANS! I am going to ride the ambulance, I am possibly going to get certified for fire! I have started planning on all the gardens we will work on, Maddie's play set, a vacation with inlaws in June...

And that nagging feeling "POAS, POAS, POAS," kept creaping in.... AF is not late, heck it is not due for another day or two... But...

I POAS'ed.......

And, my morning foggy eyes, looked down, and stated {hell, must be an old strip, that looks like an evap line!}. But after two minutes, the line was not a faint yellow streak, it was a bright flaming pink line! I did the pink line laugh "ha ha haaa haaaaaa haaahaahaaa". And DH had already left for class....

So here I am living with the knowledge that that "feeling" I had was a "feeling" afterall.

I am happy, scared, and well, just don't know what to think!

This is just the begining again, and the road is long, but I grasp the moment of "HOLY COW!!!!!" for now! I love the supprise! I love the "we were not even trying!" Those are like statements that 'other' women use... Not me! But now it is me! We had an 'accident' and I am PG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!

From what I can tell, I think I O'ed around Easter. So that makes an Easter baby who has a rough arrival date of late december, early January... A christmas baby... Is there any irony in this?!? I gave up, I quit, I threw my hands up and accepted my lot in life, just to have another chance...

Pray for me, pray for us, that this time, somehow nothing goes so tragically wrong! I need to stay positive...

What is it about Syracuse?

Well, went back to my "roots" for my nephews first birthday from April 22 to the 26th. It was nice to see family, and to hold the "chunk". He is 1 and weighs 25 lbs!!!! My DD will be four in July and only weights 34lbs!

But what was odd, is I kept getting this feeling to POAS? This feeling like, well, a feeling.. I have not remembered having a feeling like this.. Sort of like this knowing... This gut feeling... Odd. I am not due for AF for about a week...

It is funny because last pregnancy I POAS in syracuse, and got a BFP...

Sex but no Sex...

Well, DH and I have had an interesting relationship this month. Feel like we are back in college, and he is scared to well, you know....

Did not stop us from having some fun though..

I know he was keeping a mental tally of what cycle day it was each time and making a risk calculation on the fly...

But I think I O'ed early.... That might just throw everything off...

The discussion...

Well, had the "talk" with DH about TTC this cycle. He was hesitant, well, more like "No thank you"... And he confessed that he was scared. That he does not want to go through more losses. I agreed, I do not want to go through more losses either! Yet, I am not ready to give up.

So, no BBT temping this month, no "trying".

Time....

Well here I am, just about at the end of the first "official" cycle post surgery/miscarriage. And the thoughts have already started creeping in....

My DD, my only is going to be 4 in July, and well, she is a strong willed, lovely little girl, but not my baby anymore... Rarely do I get the moments where I can snuggle her and run my finger down her soft cheek and watch her sleep.. More and more it is replaced with independance that flares up wanting to rule the world.....

I keep having dreams of babies, big cheeked, cherub like babies, with puffy little pink lips... WTF?!?!?!? I deam of pg bellies, of wanting to have one... wanting to feel something alive inside me again....

And then I have nightmares, or reality mares, however you want to look at them, where I never have another child... I go on having painful loss after loss, surgery after surgery.... And finally exhausted, I give up... I quit....

I just don't know....

Our economic situation has not changed, DH is still unemployed, with no "leads" to speak of, yet I think of children? I know the reality that I am getting older, and well, there will be a point where my desire to have another child will just be a pipe dream... But how can I pull myself together to risk adding more financial strain to our world? How can I risk more pain, more dissapointment? I just don't know....

But I do know.... I've got those baby wanting blues......