Exhausted...

Exhausted... But at least I have an excuse now... :)

All I want to do is crawl up into bed and sleep forever!

On a productive note, I called up a place that may be a good deal for my prenatal care. They are an OB/MW group, older OB's who have weathered the VBAC climate, and seem verry supportive of women. Their c/s rate is like 16%, which is not bad in todays climate. They are associated with a decent hospital, that claims to have a VBAC ban, but has not seemed to enforce it. So my first appointment with them is next wednesday, so I will find out more then. I hope they turn out to be decent and a good choice, but only time will tell.

7 Week Ultrasound

US today at 7:20am. Had to wait in line... Finally were taken back at 7:40 (not too bad in medical world, but when you are nervous, seems like forever...). DH did not want to look. Nurse asked us how I felt. I told her "NUMB". So they started to look around, first thing I noticed is that the sac was bigger, and there was stuff in there... :) Then I saw a flicker as she was moving around, and I had a feeling, a hope. And then yes, they confirmed that bean is measuring right on target 7w5d and had a HB of 155. To hear that on the US machine made my DH cry. I cried. It was all just so much after being numb and reserved for so long... Bean is there. Bean has a HB.. Nothing apparently wrong at this point. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So we go back for our last US with the RE's group and my "graduation" appointment with the RE on June 15th......
I finally feel like I can be a little happy!

Right to decide what is best...

After following the sad case of the 13 year old cancer patient who has stated he does not want chemo, and the parents being taken to court, it leaves a bunch of sour thoughts in my mind.

Some of my initial thoughts....

When to decide enough is enough? When do you accept your lot in life and decide the intervening is not the path you want? In this case chemo. Chemo is a barrel full of toxic chemicals that kill everything, good cells, bad cells, and all in between. I have known adults who choose not to do chemo even though our modern "statistics" show that it would increase their survival rate. But I am not allowed to make that choice for my child. Instead I have to sit there and watch as painful toxins are forced into an already horribly crappy existence tainted by cancer. To watch as the chemicals kill them bit by bit since "statistically" there is a good chance for remission..

Remission... Remission is not "cancer free". No Remission means that the cancer has not been detected or does not seem to be multiplying... This child will live what kind of life? Does he have a choice over the condition of his life? Does the family?

The everlasting effects of chemo. Chances are Chemo will forever change this child. It will kill his gametes, and he will never reproduce his own children. That is a good statistical probability. But who cares if he is forced to live, knowing that he will never reproduce.

And it draws me to the line of thinking about what happens every day. People have prenantal testing done, and then have the decision to terminate a life that may have all these deformities, etc. So when will that go away? When will the govornment decide that this is just illegal as well? I for one do not see that happening. How many special needs infants are abandoned within weeks of life due to the parents unable / unwilling to cope and provide for this now very expensive limited outcome existence.. Who would pick up the tab? The govornment...

What woud I do in these situations? I don't know. I for one do not want any prenatal testing, and it would be a cold hard evaluation as to how much I would put my child through...

But hey, soon I might not worry about these types of things, the govornment will mandate what I must do.

Obsessing

Well, I am obsessing again... Looking up pictures on the internet of other peoples ultrasound pictures. I just want some sort of feel good moment. Something that can take the edge off the fear I have.. And so far there has been none. Nothing that makes me feel warm and fuzzy (besides the hot flashes I am constantly having!).

I am just scared S-less to wait till next week. I know that if I rush it and go in, that chances are we will not feel any better about things. But I just hate this not being able to peek in and check on the progress of baking bean. I admit that I am a pretty bad baker for the same reasons, just can't keep the oven door closed!

I attribute that to my sicentist self. I am used to being highly observant of well controlled experiements. To which I can conclude human pregnancy does not fall into any of those catagories. And I cannot chart it, track it, measure it, at ALL!!!! And I am going mad in a slow tedious manner.

It does not help matters that the RE office of Satan, with the nurses of Hell, all have this massive pessimistic attitute when it comes to me and my conceptus that I dread even calling them. No feel good encouragement there! Seems like they did not even give me a lot of information last time, nothing more than.. "Well, we will see what the next US shows.." WTF is that!!!

I go from bouts of silent tears as I think that this might just be more heartache, and wonder how much more can one endure? I pray that this time somehow the miracle of life is an actual miracle for us.

I feel like I am stuck in some sort of emotional no-mans land. I am supposed to somehow perform my daily routines as if I am 100% on the ball. Yet my mind and soul is pulled in directions I cannot even measure on a compas. I try to go through the motions of daily life, but feel numb, feel like I am walking through a fog. My mind is preoccupied by a question I cannot answer. An answer I will not even be able to get for weeks.

How can I cope? What can I do to make the time move quicker?

Fear

I wake up every morning, and before I can even get out of bed I pray. I pray that this angel sticks. That this time we can bring this one home. And every morning I am filled with fear. Fear that I am not nauseous enough, fear that I did not have enough pregnancy signs. Fear. Many faces, many smells, but one gut wrenching feeling.

I look into my husbands eyes and see the same thing, fear, a fear so deep, so primal that I am afraid any more pain will just cause us to crack and fall apart at the seams. I pray that this time is different. I pray that this one works.

I sometimes do not know how to deal with the moments I am not busy, how to deal with the thoughts that creep in, like forever guessing if this angel has a HB yet. If this one is strong. If this time my body is just right. Counting down the days, the moments till the next milestone ultrasound. Checking every time I use the bathroom to see if the dreaded pink or red shows up.

I live in fear, like a cloud that tries to blanket out the sun. And yet I try to have hope, hope like the sun, but the fear of wanting something so badly that it just turns to dust in your hand makes me fear hoping. So how do you deal with the times when one wonders, hopes and prays that this angel, this baby somehow, some miracle makes it?

I see my husband smile at the thoughts of another child. I see him comment how he is a good dad, and really wishes he had more children. I do too.. Yet... I see how fragile he is and wonder, if this will be the last time he ever tries. If his next step in self preservation is a vasectomy.

Living with these emotions tears me apart. Having no control but being the vessel. Hoping and praying that this Angel comes to earth.

Sick, Sick and Tired

Sigh... If the morning sickness (all day nausea) is any indicator of sucess, we should be off to a good start. But heck, I feel like death warmed over!

There was a report that was advertised today about how .5mg to 1mg of ginger prevents nausea in chemo patients. I am sure I will not be the only one rushing to Walgreens to pick up a bottle on my way home!

The other thing was supposed to be sea bands. but come on, like that does not look weird in short sleevees sitting at my computer at work? "Me, no? There is nothing wrong with me."

Some say protein... Trying this Odwalla protein drink, and it is not too bad, except I forgot I am not all that crazy about the flavor of almond... Something about the smell of almond.... Hmmmm..

Well, my blog has turned into a whine session... I guess it really has not changed, crying about miscarriage, cry about sub fertility, and now cry about morning sickness... Hope the trend is not showing that I just cry about everything.... Ok, maybe I do?

Off to try and finnish this workday without re-visiting my lunch!

First Ultrasound 5w6d

Had my US this AM. I have mixed feelings.. I know, most other people would be all excited, but for me, I always feel like I am waiting for the "bad news". Plus DH seemed to be reading into everything everyone said or how they looked today... Does not help.

So the US showed a correct for gestational age gestational sack, with a yolk sack in the uterus. I was expecting to see a fetal pole since I am 5 weeks 6 days, but there was none visible... US tech and nurse did not seem that concerned. Just stated that most times these early ultrasounds do not provide much reassurance... Um, yeah, they dont'. DH felt that the yolk sack looked too big, the gestational sack too small, and well, he thinks things are all bad. The nurse did not say this... So I don't know what to say.. There is nothing really that we can do, just wait for the next ultrasound on the 28th, when I will be 7 weeks 6 days. That one will be the money maker. If there is no HB then, that is that. I just don't know. I feel PG. I have tons of MS....

So who knows. I guess I am numb. I have been here so many times, and well, my feelings on it.. You just never know, there is nothing I can do anyways, besides wait and see. I do have good feelings, I am trying to stay positive, but with such a history, it is hard... So now it is just spinning my wheels till the next ultrasound...

Sick.... ?!?

Well, felt off all day long... and it was not long before breakfast came back to haunt me. Yuck.. DH was so wonderful, holding my hair and trying to open all the windows he could at the same time :)

It was odd, I don't know if it was afternoon sickness or the breakfast? We have been to the restaurant many times in the past without issue, it is one of our favorites, so I just don't know.

The Re-draw

Well, the numbers are back for the second draw, three days later.

1562 at 4 weeks 5 days

So the numbers are slightly more than doubling. So far so good. Nurse scheduled first ultrasound for Thursday the 14th at 7:20am. That will be our next milestone. I should be 5w6d so we "should" be able to see a HB if things are going well. So that will be my next test.

How am I feeling? Excited, nervous, hopeful. Hopeful that this one will stick.

So life goes on. I feel like we slipped by another catastrophe for now. But just wish I did not live feeling like any moment the world can crash around me. I try to focus on my world being more than just this. My world is my DD, my DH, my home, my job, my EMS fun time. That my world is full, and this is just one more thing I want in my world, desire to have in my world. And yes, my world would be better with one more.

And the number is.....

655 at 4 weeks 3 days

That is the first Beta HcG. So it is "good" in a relative term, meaning it is higher than say 50 and present. Besides that, there is nothing else to be concluded by the number.

So I go in on Wednesday morning and get the second draw. That one will tell if things are increasing or not... At this rate, the number should be around 2620. After that draw, we will schedule the US...

Feelings.... How do I feel? Ok. Not hyper crazy happy, not sad or too anxious. I just feel ok. It is a nice feeling, sort of content to keep on keeping on and not worry too much about all of this. After all what will be will be..

Waiting....

AAAKKKK! I am bad at waiting! Let me rephrase that, I HATE waiting! In today's society of instant just about everything, waiting seems so pointless. Always full of tension, stress, the time that my mind is occupied with half thoughts when I should be doing other things at work, etc... Instead I am staring at a bloody phone, not wanting to go to the bathroom, or re-fill my cup of water because..... I MIGHT MISS IT!

You might have extrapolated out what this is about, I had my HcG draw today. I am by LMP 4 weeks 3 days. By Ovulation, who knows.... Was not charting this time, so no precise post LH surge dating this time....

And I am waiting, the draw was done at 7:30am, and I was told by nurse beoch that I should hear the results around lunchtime... Well it is now 6 minutes to lunch, and .... nothing yet!

AAAKKK!!! WTF!!!!!!!!

Nurse Beoch also asked me if I had the records from my last miscarriage sent to them, I told her that I did not think so, they were done at _ Hospital. Her reply.... Oh, well, I will just go through your file and find them. AAAKKK... So now nurse beoch is digging through my hospital records!

Still waiting.....

The rude nurse....

Why I hate the medical profession....

So, my OB that I somewhat liked, but did not care for the fact that they were a VBAC Ban practice, left town after my surgery in Feb. So I only have my RE's office to fall back on right now. Which is how I would like it anyways, since I want to use MW's....

I do not want to have any blood work done just yet, but do want to test to see if it is rising, etc. So I called up to make an appointment for a draw on Monday morning. I get the nurse, asks what I need. I told her HPT +. She states. Oh... Well let me update your chart. Asks my LMP, April 3rd. She then replies, "well we will get you in on Monday AM, so you can have the results that afternoon"

She then continues with "Well lets just hope this turns out better than last time" WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya think you could be any more cynical and beastly???? WTF!!!!!!!!!!

I am surrounded by realism. I know what the odds are that this one will "Be OK" but bejeesus, do I have to be constantly reminded of that? If people are worried about me "getting my hopes up" give me a break.... I have not done that since, well like pregnancy #1! And I am now on pregnancy #7! (with only one live child!!!!!)

I just wish I did not have to call these creaps up and deal with this crap they dish out... But living in PoDunk, with not many options for Dr's without a drive, this is what you get....

In reality, I did not want to go back to these people, but was not looking seriously for another RE group since we were not "TTC". So did not expect to need them again... I don't have an OB group I like either, so it leaves me with this option for now... Sucks...