Obsessing

Well, I am obsessing again... Looking up pictures on the internet of other peoples ultrasound pictures. I just want some sort of feel good moment. Something that can take the edge off the fear I have.. And so far there has been none. Nothing that makes me feel warm and fuzzy (besides the hot flashes I am constantly having!).

I am just scared S-less to wait till next week. I know that if I rush it and go in, that chances are we will not feel any better about things. But I just hate this not being able to peek in and check on the progress of baking bean. I admit that I am a pretty bad baker for the same reasons, just can't keep the oven door closed!

I attribute that to my sicentist self. I am used to being highly observant of well controlled experiements. To which I can conclude human pregnancy does not fall into any of those catagories. And I cannot chart it, track it, measure it, at ALL!!!! And I am going mad in a slow tedious manner.

It does not help matters that the RE office of Satan, with the nurses of Hell, all have this massive pessimistic attitute when it comes to me and my conceptus that I dread even calling them. No feel good encouragement there! Seems like they did not even give me a lot of information last time, nothing more than.. "Well, we will see what the next US shows.." WTF is that!!!

I go from bouts of silent tears as I think that this might just be more heartache, and wonder how much more can one endure? I pray that this time somehow the miracle of life is an actual miracle for us.

I feel like I am stuck in some sort of emotional no-mans land. I am supposed to somehow perform my daily routines as if I am 100% on the ball. Yet my mind and soul is pulled in directions I cannot even measure on a compas. I try to go through the motions of daily life, but feel numb, feel like I am walking through a fog. My mind is preoccupied by a question I cannot answer. An answer I will not even be able to get for weeks.

How can I cope? What can I do to make the time move quicker?