And Aunt Flo is in the house!

Wow, it is so strange, my feelings about AF this time.. Not the first time i felt this way either...

It seems when I am TTC, each time AF makes her visit, I get dissapointed, depressed, and feel like a failure. That another month of my ticking clock has gone by, with yet more dissapointment and no hope of a baby.

Yet I find myself relieved and somehow uplifted when AF arrives after a loss. Yes, some days the bleeding is a reminder of the loss I had, a painful reminder that I am bleeding instead of growing bigger and waiting to feel my bean wiggle...

But the other emotions that come into play are there as well!

The feeling like the waiting for things to become a new "normal" has come to fruition. That my body has healed itself and continued the cycle of life. That I am not broken, that the miscarriage with or without surgery did not damage me beyond repair. That somehow I bleed again.. My body starting fresh all over, a new womb environment.

It also carries with it an optomisim that yes, these past months sucked, but does not mean the next will repeat that theme. Sort of a spring cleaning of body and mind.

I have also updated my ticker, because it is true, I feel like I am moving on, a new cycle, the completion of my miscarriage. My body has moved on, now I just have to make sure my mind moves with it!

So, now if I could just tell AF to lay off the cramps, I would enjoy this moment a bit more!

Thinking again...

Ok, So I was thinking again, something that I do often.. :)

So if this loss was a chromosomal disorder, and quite probably an isolated "bad egg" then what? Where my other losses the same cause? I call into question my wanting to have natural mc's and not find out.. Yes, monday morning quarterbacking, etc.. But now I wonder? But would it have made a difference? I do not know. Both DH and I were Karyotyped, which should have ruled out any chromosome disorder in either of us.. So.. Have I had multiple MC's for various reasons? All unrelated? All just bad luck (ok, if you believe in luck) ? I just don't know... I do not know what to say.. I do not know what to think..

It does bring into question my feelings of "broken". I have been carrying around the stigma from my first MW who told me quite frankly "you just have a bad womb environment" (which pissed the shventa out of me for reasons I won't digress here). I held onto that and let it feed my self loathing. My frustration with my "dysfunctional" body..

But know I wonder? Especially since my last OB told me that even though previous med pros called my first losses due to "low progesterone" she highly doubts that due to the presentation. None of my three losses that lasted the longest had any spotting before realizing that the baby was not viable. She seems to think it was more that the progesterone was low because the baby was not healthy. (First loss never saw HB at 7 or 9 weeks, but had fetal pole, yolk sack of a 6wk pg. Second loss, no HB at 7 weeks, HB seen at 8.5 weeks, fetal pole measured small, yolk sack measured unusually large, spotted at 10 weeks w/ confirmed fetal loss). I had no chromosome testing done on those pregnancies..

And then there is this pregnancy, an early loss, so early that not even a fetal pole or yolk sack developed, but my "bad womb" held onto it! My body nurtured this failed life without sign of deficiency! Take that! Maybe I am not as broken as I made myself out to be!

Now it is not a great victory, but a step a step on the path of coming to terms with the lot I have been handed.. And I still do not know why these babies were not quite right. So I question my eggs. I have gone from bad "womb" to bad egg... LOL...