Monday.. Another Monday.
So do I feel any "closure" from having surgery? Well, the feeling of waiting forever is gone.. And honestly I have been dealing with some pretty nasty emotions lately, but really feel these are due to the "hormone" crash of my body going from pseudo pregnant to bam, no more HcG for you!! HA HA HA...
The bleeding has been pretty signifigant since Friday.. I know my OB told me that since she did not scrape the shventa out of my uterine lining, bringing it down to the muscle layer (which is what they do normally and women have maybe pink spotting for a week or so, since there is NOTHING left to bleed), that I would shed the lining after the hormones dropped down like a "heavy period". Well, let me tell ya, my periods are all of three days normally, with maybe one day of dark bleeding. I have been bleeding bright red with bits for four days now.. It sucks.. I am glad she did not scrape the shit out of my uterus, since the chances of developing scar tissue is lower, but I really wish this would all go away soon.
Every trip to the bathroom is a constant reminder, the gobs of blood bring back the emotions that I must keep in check... Now there is nothing concerning, I have no fever, there is no rotten smell or anything, so I am sure there is no infection or anything like that, just that I had a D&C and a "natural" miscarriage all at the same time... LOOOVELLLY...
I am just anemic as poo, light headed half the time, and cold and chilled the rest. I feel like crap. I feel winded when I talk, and somehow I must go on, be super mom, be supportive wife, be the uber employee, and on top of that I got through 28 hours of EMT refresher over the weekend.. I am wiped..
So, that is my update for now... feel like crap, theme of my life...
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oh Carrie, what a dark place to be in. I'm sorry this is where you are right now. Hugs. Be kind to yourself....you don't have to be supermom, supportive wife, uberemployee. Be just good enough, and keep the rest for yourself right now. Its ok to focus on yourself, to not give to others, to heal yourself first before giving others what they need. Take what you need for a change. You've got forever and a day to be nice to others, but right now be nice to yourself first, whatever that means to you. And if that means hugging your sorrow to yourself, crying like there's no tomorrow, that's ok. Do what you need to, and put everyone else second.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))