Just keep moving...

Hi all. I am really not doing well today. And honestly do not know what to write. I have started to write on my blog on and off for the past two days, but cannot get too far into it before I start to either get so anxious it feels like my heart will explode, or so emotionally down I want to cry and tear my hair out.

As for the surgery part, it is done. OB was actually wonderful, caring and compassionate, so was the entire OR staff. The Anesthesiologist was nice, and everyone listened well to my past hell experiences and vowed to take better care of me. Overall, I was scared S-less, but managed ok. They did not "put me under" until I was in the OR on the table as requested, and I just remember falling asleep to the lights above me. There was no talking, no radio, just two nurses holding my arm, sholder. It was peaceful. I woke up in a considerable amount of pain and their motrin did nothing for it. So OB ordered me some vicodin, which helped. Ob took time to come talk to me afterwards which was nice. she told me everything went as planned, and that she only did a gentle scraping, so I may have increased bleeding in 3-4 days when my hormones drop down. And we waited a bit, and then went home. There is more too it, and I am trying to get it all down in my blog, but that is the basics..

So I went home and stayed home from work for two days, and took the vicodin for the first 24 hours and then tried weaning myself onto the motrin. Overall, the bleeding is light, and the pain is there, more of a dull reminder of the hell I have gone through more than anything else.

It is just the emotional side of things. I do not know if it the combonation of the loss, the buildup of the fear of surgery, the sudden changing in my hormones or what, but I am a mess. I do not want to be alone.. I hate having time to "think".. My OB told me that when the testing is done, they will call me with the chromasomal analysis results, and I will know if it was XX, or XY.. I think that set me over the edge...

I even though surgery was less traumatizing, I am left with emotional hell, I still have thoughts about my cervix being "damaged" and have nightmares while awake and sleeping of the actual proceedure (none of which I was awake for, so it is just my tormented mind replaying the cold textbook facts). I just do not know how to get it to stop!!! I feel like crying and then the pain comes again for some unknown reason..

I am left not knowing what I want to do.. I am not in a good place to consider the future right now, but part of me is broken. Feeling like I have now lost six babies out of six pregnancies, and have only one live child.. Feeling like I am broken even when I am broken, requiring two D&C's to end pregnancies that my body would not let go of. A c/s for the one pregnancy that did survivie... Why? I want more children, but I do not know what to do? I have no path forward. We have used an RE who has no answers, and lost three pregnancies with her. I have used traditional chineese medicine and acupuncture, just to loose that one too.. I have no more roadmaps for the future. I have no more battle plans.. I am at a loss. I have no tools to save myself from more pain and suffering..

SO that is where I am, dealing with the emotional aftermath of loss and surgery. NOt a good place, and despirately trying to find some way to climb out of there..