Fear

I wake up every morning, and before I can even get out of bed I pray. I pray that this angel sticks. That this time we can bring this one home. And every morning I am filled with fear. Fear that I am not nauseous enough, fear that I did not have enough pregnancy signs. Fear. Many faces, many smells, but one gut wrenching feeling.

I look into my husbands eyes and see the same thing, fear, a fear so deep, so primal that I am afraid any more pain will just cause us to crack and fall apart at the seams. I pray that this time is different. I pray that this one works.

I sometimes do not know how to deal with the moments I am not busy, how to deal with the thoughts that creep in, like forever guessing if this angel has a HB yet. If this one is strong. If this time my body is just right. Counting down the days, the moments till the next milestone ultrasound. Checking every time I use the bathroom to see if the dreaded pink or red shows up.

I live in fear, like a cloud that tries to blanket out the sun. And yet I try to have hope, hope like the sun, but the fear of wanting something so badly that it just turns to dust in your hand makes me fear hoping. So how do you deal with the times when one wonders, hopes and prays that this angel, this baby somehow, some miracle makes it?

I see my husband smile at the thoughts of another child. I see him comment how he is a good dad, and really wishes he had more children. I do too.. Yet... I see how fragile he is and wonder, if this will be the last time he ever tries. If his next step in self preservation is a vasectomy.

Living with these emotions tears me apart. Having no control but being the vessel. Hoping and praying that this Angel comes to earth.

Sick, Sick and Tired

Sigh... If the morning sickness (all day nausea) is any indicator of sucess, we should be off to a good start. But heck, I feel like death warmed over!

There was a report that was advertised today about how .5mg to 1mg of ginger prevents nausea in chemo patients. I am sure I will not be the only one rushing to Walgreens to pick up a bottle on my way home!

The other thing was supposed to be sea bands. but come on, like that does not look weird in short sleevees sitting at my computer at work? "Me, no? There is nothing wrong with me."

Some say protein... Trying this Odwalla protein drink, and it is not too bad, except I forgot I am not all that crazy about the flavor of almond... Something about the smell of almond.... Hmmmm..

Well, my blog has turned into a whine session... I guess it really has not changed, crying about miscarriage, cry about sub fertility, and now cry about morning sickness... Hope the trend is not showing that I just cry about everything.... Ok, maybe I do?

Off to try and finnish this workday without re-visiting my lunch!

First Ultrasound 5w6d

Had my US this AM. I have mixed feelings.. I know, most other people would be all excited, but for me, I always feel like I am waiting for the "bad news". Plus DH seemed to be reading into everything everyone said or how they looked today... Does not help.

So the US showed a correct for gestational age gestational sack, with a yolk sack in the uterus. I was expecting to see a fetal pole since I am 5 weeks 6 days, but there was none visible... US tech and nurse did not seem that concerned. Just stated that most times these early ultrasounds do not provide much reassurance... Um, yeah, they dont'. DH felt that the yolk sack looked too big, the gestational sack too small, and well, he thinks things are all bad. The nurse did not say this... So I don't know what to say.. There is nothing really that we can do, just wait for the next ultrasound on the 28th, when I will be 7 weeks 6 days. That one will be the money maker. If there is no HB then, that is that. I just don't know. I feel PG. I have tons of MS....

So who knows. I guess I am numb. I have been here so many times, and well, my feelings on it.. You just never know, there is nothing I can do anyways, besides wait and see. I do have good feelings, I am trying to stay positive, but with such a history, it is hard... So now it is just spinning my wheels till the next ultrasound...

Sick.... ?!?

Well, felt off all day long... and it was not long before breakfast came back to haunt me. Yuck.. DH was so wonderful, holding my hair and trying to open all the windows he could at the same time :)

It was odd, I don't know if it was afternoon sickness or the breakfast? We have been to the restaurant many times in the past without issue, it is one of our favorites, so I just don't know.

The Re-draw

Well, the numbers are back for the second draw, three days later.

1562 at 4 weeks 5 days

So the numbers are slightly more than doubling. So far so good. Nurse scheduled first ultrasound for Thursday the 14th at 7:20am. That will be our next milestone. I should be 5w6d so we "should" be able to see a HB if things are going well. So that will be my next test.

How am I feeling? Excited, nervous, hopeful. Hopeful that this one will stick.

So life goes on. I feel like we slipped by another catastrophe for now. But just wish I did not live feeling like any moment the world can crash around me. I try to focus on my world being more than just this. My world is my DD, my DH, my home, my job, my EMS fun time. That my world is full, and this is just one more thing I want in my world, desire to have in my world. And yes, my world would be better with one more.

And the number is.....

655 at 4 weeks 3 days

That is the first Beta HcG. So it is "good" in a relative term, meaning it is higher than say 50 and present. Besides that, there is nothing else to be concluded by the number.

So I go in on Wednesday morning and get the second draw. That one will tell if things are increasing or not... At this rate, the number should be around 2620. After that draw, we will schedule the US...

Feelings.... How do I feel? Ok. Not hyper crazy happy, not sad or too anxious. I just feel ok. It is a nice feeling, sort of content to keep on keeping on and not worry too much about all of this. After all what will be will be..

Waiting....

AAAKKKK! I am bad at waiting! Let me rephrase that, I HATE waiting! In today's society of instant just about everything, waiting seems so pointless. Always full of tension, stress, the time that my mind is occupied with half thoughts when I should be doing other things at work, etc... Instead I am staring at a bloody phone, not wanting to go to the bathroom, or re-fill my cup of water because..... I MIGHT MISS IT!

You might have extrapolated out what this is about, I had my HcG draw today. I am by LMP 4 weeks 3 days. By Ovulation, who knows.... Was not charting this time, so no precise post LH surge dating this time....

And I am waiting, the draw was done at 7:30am, and I was told by nurse beoch that I should hear the results around lunchtime... Well it is now 6 minutes to lunch, and .... nothing yet!

AAAKKK!!! WTF!!!!!!!!

Nurse Beoch also asked me if I had the records from my last miscarriage sent to them, I told her that I did not think so, they were done at _ Hospital. Her reply.... Oh, well, I will just go through your file and find them. AAAKKK... So now nurse beoch is digging through my hospital records!

Still waiting.....

The rude nurse....

Why I hate the medical profession....

So, my OB that I somewhat liked, but did not care for the fact that they were a VBAC Ban practice, left town after my surgery in Feb. So I only have my RE's office to fall back on right now. Which is how I would like it anyways, since I want to use MW's....

I do not want to have any blood work done just yet, but do want to test to see if it is rising, etc. So I called up to make an appointment for a draw on Monday morning. I get the nurse, asks what I need. I told her HPT +. She states. Oh... Well let me update your chart. Asks my LMP, April 3rd. She then replies, "well we will get you in on Monday AM, so you can have the results that afternoon"

She then continues with "Well lets just hope this turns out better than last time" WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya think you could be any more cynical and beastly???? WTF!!!!!!!!!!

I am surrounded by realism. I know what the odds are that this one will "Be OK" but bejeesus, do I have to be constantly reminded of that? If people are worried about me "getting my hopes up" give me a break.... I have not done that since, well like pregnancy #1! And I am now on pregnancy #7! (with only one live child!!!!!)

I just wish I did not have to call these creaps up and deal with this crap they dish out... But living in PoDunk, with not many options for Dr's without a drive, this is what you get....

In reality, I did not want to go back to these people, but was not looking seriously for another RE group since we were not "TTC". So did not expect to need them again... I don't have an OB group I like either, so it leaves me with this option for now... Sucks...

Supprise

Well, DH was beyond belief when I pulled out the HPT. He thought I pulled a fast one on him, with an old stick....

He just shook his head in disbelief, a massive S.E.G. on his face... Which was followed up with "well if I knew we were going to try this cycle, I would have had more SEX!!!!"

His next statement was "But we only BD once!!!!" Followed up with "This sort of thing happens to other people not US!"

Yeah, not us... It has been months of charting, temping, RE appointments, and massive amounts of timed BD in order to get a BFP. We were told we were SUB-Fertile!

But here we are, second cycle after my loss, and not even trying!

The Unexpected....

Ok, I know people tell you this all the time... {when you stop caring too much, that is when it happens}.

Well, I just don't know. I know I have sort of given up TTC, I know I really felt resigned that Maddie will be an only. I even started looking at other things to keep me busy since building my family was a loosing battle. So I went through the process to get my NH EMT license (used to have a NJ license) and joined the local Fire/EMS/Rescue department. I have PLANS! I am going to ride the ambulance, I am possibly going to get certified for fire! I have started planning on all the gardens we will work on, Maddie's play set, a vacation with inlaws in June...

And that nagging feeling "POAS, POAS, POAS," kept creaping in.... AF is not late, heck it is not due for another day or two... But...

I POAS'ed.......

And, my morning foggy eyes, looked down, and stated {hell, must be an old strip, that looks like an evap line!}. But after two minutes, the line was not a faint yellow streak, it was a bright flaming pink line! I did the pink line laugh "ha ha haaa haaaaaa haaahaahaaa". And DH had already left for class....

So here I am living with the knowledge that that "feeling" I had was a "feeling" afterall.

I am happy, scared, and well, just don't know what to think!

This is just the begining again, and the road is long, but I grasp the moment of "HOLY COW!!!!!" for now! I love the supprise! I love the "we were not even trying!" Those are like statements that 'other' women use... Not me! But now it is me! We had an 'accident' and I am PG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!

From what I can tell, I think I O'ed around Easter. So that makes an Easter baby who has a rough arrival date of late december, early January... A christmas baby... Is there any irony in this?!? I gave up, I quit, I threw my hands up and accepted my lot in life, just to have another chance...

Pray for me, pray for us, that this time, somehow nothing goes so tragically wrong! I need to stay positive...

What is it about Syracuse?

Well, went back to my "roots" for my nephews first birthday from April 22 to the 26th. It was nice to see family, and to hold the "chunk". He is 1 and weighs 25 lbs!!!! My DD will be four in July and only weights 34lbs!

But what was odd, is I kept getting this feeling to POAS? This feeling like, well, a feeling.. I have not remembered having a feeling like this.. Sort of like this knowing... This gut feeling... Odd. I am not due for AF for about a week...

It is funny because last pregnancy I POAS in syracuse, and got a BFP...

Sex but no Sex...

Well, DH and I have had an interesting relationship this month. Feel like we are back in college, and he is scared to well, you know....

Did not stop us from having some fun though..

I know he was keeping a mental tally of what cycle day it was each time and making a risk calculation on the fly...

But I think I O'ed early.... That might just throw everything off...

The discussion...

Well, had the "talk" with DH about TTC this cycle. He was hesitant, well, more like "No thank you"... And he confessed that he was scared. That he does not want to go through more losses. I agreed, I do not want to go through more losses either! Yet, I am not ready to give up.

So, no BBT temping this month, no "trying".

Time....

Well here I am, just about at the end of the first "official" cycle post surgery/miscarriage. And the thoughts have already started creeping in....

My DD, my only is going to be 4 in July, and well, she is a strong willed, lovely little girl, but not my baby anymore... Rarely do I get the moments where I can snuggle her and run my finger down her soft cheek and watch her sleep.. More and more it is replaced with independance that flares up wanting to rule the world.....

I keep having dreams of babies, big cheeked, cherub like babies, with puffy little pink lips... WTF?!?!?!? I deam of pg bellies, of wanting to have one... wanting to feel something alive inside me again....

And then I have nightmares, or reality mares, however you want to look at them, where I never have another child... I go on having painful loss after loss, surgery after surgery.... And finally exhausted, I give up... I quit....

I just don't know....

Our economic situation has not changed, DH is still unemployed, with no "leads" to speak of, yet I think of children? I know the reality that I am getting older, and well, there will be a point where my desire to have another child will just be a pipe dream... But how can I pull myself together to risk adding more financial strain to our world? How can I risk more pain, more dissapointment? I just don't know....

But I do know.... I've got those baby wanting blues......