The fist look 1/5/09

Well, it is the day of the first look. The first ultrasound. I am 6 weeks 5 days, so we should see a nice beating heart in my little bean.

We had to get up early and have Madeline to school by 7:00am so we could make it to our appointment at 7:30. I was nausious, nervous, and having anxiety moments. But overall Maddie was good, and went to school without any issues.

So we arrived at the RE's office and did not have to wait long, signed in and did not even remove our coats when they brought us back. I assumed the position and in came the ultrasound tech and one of the nurses. DH told them all that this was an important moment for us, since we have had so many losses before. I explained that it was important to know what was going on because previously my early ultrasounds were emotional hell, when the tech just asked me stupid things like "are you sure you are not bleeding?" Uhm, ya think I would have noticed bood coming out of my vagina and told someone!

So I get to put the magic wand (transvaginal ultrasound wand) up inside me. I lie there holding DH hand, my eyes tightly closed. A couple of minutes go by and the tech announces "there is the gestational sack". I turn over and look. Right there on the screen this big perfectly oblong shaped sack. And a perfect big black hole inside it. I just instantly state "and it is empty".

The nurse just replies "The tech will take a good look around". A couple minutes pass by, the nurse asks "have your other pregnancies gone this way? No fetal pole, not even a yolk sack?" My answer "NO, previous ones had a fetal pole, and a yolk sack, both the pre-Madeline ones and Madeline's twin".

So I was told, it was "not what I expected" and that was followed up with "You will want a D&E, and what is your OB's name". Pretty much they were washing their hands of me. Shipping me out. They left for me to get dressed, and delibrately moved a box of tissues to the table next to us. I was too numb to need them. I was bordering on numb to this intense anger. The Why word was creeping up on me. I just got dressed, pulled on my jacket, my hat, my gloves and after the nurse did not come back in, I told DH we are going. We opened the door and started heading to the front exit.

The nurse stops us on the way, saying again how "she knows this is not what I wanted" I could not say anything. The things I wanted to say were just pure anger, frustration, hatred talking. {YA FING THINK! YA THINK I WANT ANOTHER DEAD BABY! Oh I WANTED TO GO THROUGH THIS HELL AGAIN< DID NOT QUITE GET EOUGH THE LAST FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!!} But somehow I was able to just keep my head down and get through it. She anounced again how I should make an appointment with my OB soon and schedule the D&E.
I stated thanks, and left.

DH and I just went out in the parking lot. I had this overwhelming urge to spike the coffee he just handed me with a bottle of Jamesons Whiskey. Too bad I don't keep it in my glove compartment for moments like this. So we hugged. And vowed that we would get through this.

And I drove off to work. I managed to get a phone call in to my Mom. I could hardly talk. I did not want to say the words, I could not get them out of my mouth, it was like they were spinning in my head so fast, that they could not move past the knot in my neck. I just called, and stated. "Mom, this one is a no-go". She just sobbed out "oh Carrie, I am so sorry". I could not take it. I did not want to hear it. I could not talk about it. I did not want to vocalize these words. The words I hoped I would never have to use again. So I told her I loved her, and was on my way to work and I would talk to her later.

We had to drop DH car off at the shop so we drove there, and then he was to take me to work and use my truck to get around all day. So he was there with me.

Work was hell. I was numb. Yet again a walking zombie. Trying to keep my emotins from creeping up on me. But I found myself crying at my desk, trying to hide in the corner so no one would see me. I went to see my co-worker Sue, she was the only one at work who "knew" because she was like my mom and before the holidays she told me she "knew" I was pregnant. I guess it is just a mom thing. She felt horrible. And tried offering little comments to make me feel better. I told my co-worker Colleen, because she always asks me "howya doin?" And this time she caught me crying. She gave me a hug, (after looking both ways to make sure no one was looking :).

He came to pick me up for lunch and we went out to Ruby Tuesdays. It was nice to have him with me, but I was so nausious I did not even think I could eat. We ordered food anyways, and I would cry on and off, quiet tears that just seemed to spring up like a well under pressure. Somehow we managed to eat parts of our lunch. We held hands a lot. He talked about how we would get through this. And that we are still a family, and how we will be ok. That he was not going to leave me alone. This is probably the only good thing about him being unemployed.

I went back to work and tried to somehow keep going. Finding things to do that would keep my mind off of things.