Goals, Planning, and Chaos

I am a goal setter. I do not think I have ever found myself to be complacient at where I am, what I am doing. There is always something better, something more for me to strive for, drive myself for. And I would say 99% of the time that is a good thing! Leading to personal growth and development.

But what I have found the hard way is that being a goal setter, a planner can also lead to the biggest dissapointments.

Lets look at people who don't plan, who don't have long term goals they are striving to achieve. Those are the ones that make comments like 'I fell pregnant, it was an accident'. Like it was something that just happened to them, without them trying. Like getting a bill in the mail.

But then for someone like me there is no accident. It is an event that had a cause. There is always a cause. One might not like to think of what caused the accident, or be able to handle the accountability of their actions, but there is a cause! Always! For instance in the "falling pregnant" catagory. The cause... yeah really hard to think of one huh... SEX. Without that there would have been absolutely no possibility of their gavid state!

So as a planner, I have set goals. Ones like graduate college, find the good job, get the husband, get the nice house, have a family.... And there is where it goes completely and utterly wrong...

It is not like I was specific or anything. I was not trying to plan for a birth month, a boy or a girl. Hell. I just wanted a baby! I did not care if it was a summer baby, winter baby, blue moon baby.

But no.

We finally managed to be blessed with one. But I never wanted an only child. I never even fathomed having one. I always pictured my family having two or three children. I never wanted my child to be a lot older than their siblings.

But that is where it all went wrong. Now I am at a state in my life where I wonder if I will have to "settle" for only one. If I will have to re-evaluate my goals, the desires I have, the image of my family I wanted.

And that is what pisses me off. It is not like I am settling for the car with less options. It is not like I can do anything about this! The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of no matter how hard I work at it, it is for naught. It is not like I can save up and get the car with the options I want. It is just NOT THERE!

I do not settle for much. There must be a way!