26Jan09, waiting day 22

Still waiting. Still no sign this will come to an end..

I am now 9 weeks 5 days pregnant... And waiting... Waiting for my body to finally realize that what I have within me is non-viable..

Sometimes the emotion of this is overwhelming. Making me want to crawl into a hole and cover my head.. But no such option...

Other times I have protected myself in a skeleton of numbness. For instance we went to the children's museum on Sunday, and DD loved it. She had a blast. We were in one section where there were tons of little kids, under 1 year. I was staring off into space thinking about DD when DH grabs my arm and states "I know, it will be ok, we will have one soon". I was not even thinking about the fact that I did not have a new baby, or planning for one.

But he was. Sometimes I forget about how hard this is on him. How much of an emotional toll this takes on him. He was thinking about it. He was mourning the fact that we have not had another child, that we will not have one anytime soon. It was my time to comfort him.

Most days I am numb to the idea. Somehow pushing it into the back of my mind so I do not go insane. Other moments I am a train wreck.