I know this is a common theme among people suffering. That it must have been something they have done, some way they pissed off the gods of the world.
And everyone always reminds you"Oh honey, this is nothing you did, you did not cause this" and then some add on the "oh, it is just bad luck" "oh, it was for the best", or some other mundane thoughtless comment that if the person stopped and thought a moment, would realize was moronic to even state.
So what did I do?
Did I pull the wings off of insects?
Did I stomp on anthills?
Did I pollute the world?
Was my carbon footprint too big?
Did I not pray enough as a child?
Did I not light enough candles at church?
What was it? WHAT WAS IT! I shake my fist at the Heavens! DAMN YOU!
And then the part of me that some how managed to survive, my sarcastic part, the part where I still laugh when I see a good trip and fall, and can't help it.
So, I must have been one bad ass son of a bitch in a previous life. Yes that is it. I was like some mean spirited warrior who ran from town to town pillaging and destroying life in my wake, as I grew happy and fat from the plunders of war! Laughing as I cut down life.. Yes, that must be it. That must be why I have been chosen to suffer.
Ahh, makes me feel better than stating all my years of being good were for naught.
Years teaching Sunday school
Years devoted to bible study
Years volunteering 18+hours of my life on an urban first aid and rescue squad
Years working in the biopharmecutical fields, making cures, and working for quality
Years paying my taxes as they are due.
Makes one want to run out and break a law huh...
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I totally hear you on this one. I haven't had a miscarriage, but all the problems with my behind, I think to myself, have I not lived through enough shit in my life? Rape, cancer, a 9 year abusive relationship in my early twenties? That's not enough, now I have to have embarrassing health issues? Hel-fucking-lo, to whoever is in charge up there, whatever I did to deserve this, let me know and I'll make frigging amends, ok??? The constant parade of crap is getting old. How many times can you pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off, and keep going?
ReplyDeleteits not the same as what you are going through, I know, but that "how did I cause this?" kind of struck a chord. I am totally with you on that one.