No Big deal...

So I have been hesitant to call my OB or RE's office. I wanted to enjoy the holidays without worry or repeat serial HcG readings, etc.

I called my OB's office today, and their response was "see you in a couple of weeks". I was like WTF??? I have a history of multiple losses! I ask if there is any way I could get in for early monitoring. Had to wait for a nurse to call me back. I explain that this is pregnancy #8, and would like some additional HcG and ultrasounds in the beginning. Her response was well, I will let Dr. B. know, but we will see you in two weeks. So I told her "If you cannot accomodate my needs I do have an RE who I will go to if you will not do the early monitoring". She replies with "I am sure Dr. B. will be able to accomodate you". They were supposed to call me back with Dr. B's recomendations.. They never did.

Called my RE's office and they will have me in tomorrow AM. Big fat blow farts to the health profession that cannot meet the psychological need of a mother who has had multiple losses! If they were not the only VBAC supportive practice in 60 miles, I would consider another practice.

Birth? ? ? ?

Well, I posted an update about me on the ICAN webboard. And I had a reply about how this is a birth.

At first I did not know how to react. Birth in the classical definition is the bringing forth of new life. Well, don't fit that description.

So is Birth also defined as the ending events of a pregnancy? I guess it would be how you look at it. My only living child was extracted from my body via cesarean section orchestrated by my obstetrical team prior to labor. Did I or Do I consider her arrival via vaginal bypass a birth? Nope.

Each person creates their own definition of the word so that it best fits for them. Some are ok rationalizing cesareans as a form of birth.
To me Birth signifies the achievement of a pregnancy, the moment your baby and your body orchestrate a dance that is only seen in humans. When a new life is brought into the world by the hard work of a laboring mother.

There is even a term for the delivery of a post 20 week pregnancy, still-birth. Born still to the world. But nothing for miscarriage.

No miscarriage is not looked upon as birth, or still-birth. It is looked upon as a pregnancy that was not meant to be. A mistake that was weeded out of the world. A "common" occurrence that happens to X% of pregnancies. NO BIG DEAL! Right. That is what the synopsis is. Miscarriages are medically managed, either with chemicals to induce your body to expel the products of conception (don't even call it a baby), or they surgically vacuum and scrape it out.

So how can I put the words Birth into this? I don't think I can. It is too emotionally tied to a good outcome, to an event I look forward to, to the moment when I meet my angel come to earth.

I will not send out "birth" announcements. There will be no "baby moon". There will be nothing. Just the big empty void that is left behind after each and every miscarriage I have.

The only person who will support me through this labor will be my poor husband, who is war torn and traumatized of the whole thing. There will be no midwife encouraging me. There will be no one there hoping of good outcomes, telling me how I can do this, how it will be soon when I can hold my child. Nope. Not me. Not this time.

I cannot call this Birth. I will not call the emotional hell I am experiencing my birth experience. It is NOT. It is so wrong on multiple levels of my consciousness.

So what is this? What is this to me? A loss. A physical event that I must endure. It feels like being diagnosed with a stone. You know, a kidney stone. One where you know you will go through hell, and in the end pass this object and life will move on.

That is what this is. It has stopped being a life to me a long time ago. My soul parted with the essence of baby that day on the table, when all I saw was an empty black sack. It was gone. I felt it go. Like a whisper escaping a dying mans lips. It evaporated, any dreams, hopes, desires died that day. Taken from me yet again. What is left is the mirror of that big black hole on my heart, my soul. I turned off.

Now I feel like I must endure a sickness, a plague, that somehow will never go away. Each day it is there, a tender breast, a smell that turns my stomach, but now it is just a retched reminder of what I will not have. It is merely no more than the side effects of this disease I have.

So, no, there will be no birth plan, there will be no birth day. It will just be an end. An end to yet another chapter of suffering in my life.

And it will also be a beginning. The day when hope will be allowed back in. The day I can start looking to my body beginning it's slow journey back to normal. The day I will allow my self to even ponder the idea of a next time.

My anthem

It is funny how moments in my life are captured with song. They say that memories are built like building blocks, with the more senses used at the time, the more of a chance that the memory will be imprinted stronger. So they say.

There are a few moments in my life where various songs and music I can now relate to a window in my life. How the song could paint my emotions at the time.

As a frustrated, misunderstood teen it was "Out the Window" by Violent Femmes

Then as a college student trying to understand relationships "When I come around" by Green Day

Or the long highway moments on my honeymoon driving up Interstate 81 to Tom Petty's greatest hits

My leaving my first post university job, sunroof open, radio blaring "This town is wrong" by The Nields

Planning the birth of my first child to the album "Matriarch" by Joanne Sheanandoah

Being sliced open while awake in a cold OR to "Dancing Queen" by Abba as they extracted my first child (NOTE, this was not my choice, but what the OR team had on in the background)

And a song exerpt that summs up my hellish attempt to build a family....

{ When I see what is real in the dark
Midlife Crisis, broken Heart
I'm glad that no one told me it was coming
I'd rather live expecting the best
But if you gave me the choice, I'd like to know the rest
A figure in the distance always running }

Another Nerissa and Katrina Nields song, it is about a relationship that has soured, but for me the heartfelt lament is about the figure in the distance, the child that I just cannot reach. In the end the song ends with the chorous

{I've got to make it on my own}

So true. So freaking true.

Friend of Foe?

Well, I have been taking the vitamin C and herbs and....

NOTHING! NOTHING NA NA NA NOTHING!

All I have is a bad case of vitamin C overdose, sitting on the toilet all day long. My ass is raw.

The freaking black and blue cohosh have done nothing! Not a twinge, not a cramp, not even a pms symptom!

Started taking two days of Angelica, and now all I have is kidney pain! I feel sick. I feel nausious.

I am done. I am done poisoning myself in hopes of ending this hell I live in. There appears to be no way out. No way of lessening the pain.

So I have stopped the herbs. I had such luck with them in the past (after I was already spotting), but this time nothing!

Miscarriage day 11 1/16/08

DH asked me how far along I would be today.

And my answer 'I don't know'.

I killed my tickers, I erased my Fertility Friend pregnancy page. How far along would I be today?

What would I be reading in those weekly updates "Today your baby is the size of a lima bean. The fingers and toes ....."

Instead I am writing a blow by blow synopsis of
"What not to expect when you are no longer expecting"
Just peachy!

'Day 11, your baby is still not there. You still hold onto hope, yet there is nothing to hold onto. Your body is a dumb biological process that chemically still thinks things are progressing. Yet every time you use the bathroom, the toilet paper check is executed'

Having one of those moments.

Oh, by the way, ~8 weeks

Irrational thoughts

As time goes by, the irrational thoughts creep in. Wait a minute, maybe everything is fine! Hey I thought I felt a flutter?!? I guess still having pg boobs does not help matters. Even have the occasional bout of nausia.

And then I ground myself. Hellooo... Remember the big empty black hole of a gestational sack!

And the black hole of miscarriage swallows me up again.

ICAN and me..

I posted this to my email list for ICAN. I am a member of the "International Cesarean Awareness Network" and have attempted to start up a local chapter here in the seacoast New Hampshire area. The focus is to inform women of their birthing rights, to work with women to allow the freedom of birth choice, hospital, home, birth center, VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), repeat cesarean with a more mom-centered approach, etc.

However, I have found it difficult, as I have outlined in the post below.

I have a question for other chapter leaders.
I have not been very good at getting my chapter started, so I am a chapter of one. Part just being overwhelmed, and then mainly my life being an emotional rollercoaster hell ride. SO my question is this..
How do you answer the emails that come in from local women, looking for information, begging for help, when you yourself need someone to rescue you? (OK, a little dramatic) I just feel empty, drained, going through infertility, feeling like I may never get a chance to VBAC, and then now trying to stay afloat while waiting for the loss of my sixth baby to happen?
I have these two emails in my inbox, from women looking for me to be the source of information, encouragement, and honestly, I just do not know if I can write back. How can I be what they need when I cannot even be what I need? If I only had more people around here, in this area, an actual chapter, then maybe I could have asked someone more capable to handle this at the moment.
But what should I do? I need to help these women, I need to somehow pull it together and help, but I just feel so overwhelmed. Maybe I should just dissolve my hopes of a local chapter, but then who would be here?
Thanks for listening, and any suggestions would be great.

Well, and the responses.... NOT A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT! One person told me to just keep on going, to answer these email pleas of help. With what?!? How can I give encouragement, help, when I myself feel helpless?

Apointment with OB 1/8/09

Well, anxiety was high, emotions a mess. Appointment with Dr. O today.

Drove over there from work. My body hurting all over. I am so tired of the stress. My head feels like it will explode.

The office is at the hospital, so i have to find a place to park in the parking garage, and then walk into the "professional" building side of the hospital. the waiting room thankfully is not that full. I try not to look around. The receptionist want's to know why I am there, what do I say? I reply "a follow up vist". Once I am signed in, thank god I barely sat down when the nurse calls my name to go back.

So there I am and nurse asks me "why I am there" I state, a follow up. We do the weight, pulse and pressure routine. And I return to sitting in the visitor chair. That is one think I have learned in dealing with doctors. DO NOT sit on the exam table. It puts you in the position of patient from the minute they walk in. So I am sitting there, waiting, (ok, playing a game on my phone, which i find is really usefull when you have to do a lot of waiting, {I wore out one touch screen during Madeline's pregnancy with all the waiting room wating I did}).

She walks in and asks "how are you doing". I reply with "First, let me give you the disclaimer, I am in the anger stage of loss dealing. And I am just really angry at the world, you happen to be walking upon it in close range to me, so I apologize in advance if I say something inapropriate or come off hostile". She just smiles and states 'ok. noted'. She looks over my file real quick and starts up with, well we can schedule a D&C. I tell her nope. No thank you. She asks me why. I tell her that I have had a D&C in the past and it was hell. I had to wait a week and a half to have surgery, they told me they would not need to intubate me, and I woke up coughing up blood clots, bruising on my jaw. Found out only after I asked three days later that "I was fighting them, and they had to sedate me deeper" I also developed a UTI from their catheter use. Told her the Tylenol was not a good pain pill for post scraped out uterus. Told her that I ended up having PTSD after the surgery, and became fixated on what was done to me while unconcious.

She stated that waiting was an option, and proceeded to list the risks associated : infection, heavy bleeding, retained products of conception, infection resulting in hysterectomy, emergency D&C, etc. I then countered with the risks of a D&C, infection, perforation, scarring, heavy bleeding, retained POC, with the added risks of anesthesia on top, blood clots, reactions to anesthetic, cardiac arrest, emboilsim. etc.

I reminded her that this is not the first time I have done this. I have had one D&C and then three natural miscarriages, one being at 12 weeks. No complications from any of them. She stated I was an informed consumer, and knew what I was talking about.

We agreed to work together. She if I wanted would look up the medical abortion cocktail (she does not do abortions, so does not know what it is, but is willing to look it up) and would support me through that. Only wishing that I start the medications on a Monday so if I needed emergency surgery, she could do it. We decided that if I changed my mind, that I could come back in and schedule surgery. We both agreed that we would re-asses the situation after two weeks has gone by.

She then wanted to know if I have thought about birth control. If I "Ever wanted to do this again". I really was not ready for that discussion, and told her that emotionally I am not in a place to discuss this topic. That I want to get through this and then go from there. I told her that it took me three years to consider having another go at pregnancy after my ordeal with Madeline. She started talking about sterilization, long term birth control options. My response was, DH and I have been able to deal with my fertility for years now without birth control, we can handle it now thank you.

So we left on good terms. She believes in "hug therapy" so I was given a big hug. She is a good OB (as OB's come) a bit short sighted, but if I had to pick one for GYN issues, she would be it. Her practice does not "do" VBAC's and neither does the hospital attached. So that is the main reason I will not choose them for my prenatal care.

So that is that. It was not as bad as I had made it out to be. And in the end I felt a little better.

Miscarriage day 3 1/7/09

Well, OB's office has been calling wanting me to come right in, ASAP. I don't want to. I do not feel like dealing with the confrontation that will ensue. Why? What is the f-ing rush. No bleeding, boobs still sore. Still nausious as hell.

So I told them I would come in at the end of the week, I wanted friday, they gave me thursday.

Why I do not want a D&C

So leaving the office and having the nurse tell me "you will want a D&E" brought back a rage. I wanted to yell at her. NO. I will NOT want another surgical scraping of my uterus thank you very much!

So what is attractive to a D&C that so many women "demand" them? Well first, D&C is the medical term for dilation and curettage of the uterine contents. Why would women want this? Part of me states out of ignorance, but the true answer would be convenience, and some think of it as an "easier" way out of a crappy situation. Now don't get me wrong, like any surgical procedure, they can be life saving, but I am talking about "ELECTIVE" terminations.

Physiologically why have a D&C, it is stated as a 'controlled' event. Instead of a spontaneous miscarriage ruining your new beige linen pants, you schedule a convenient day. Shave your legs all nice, get a pedicure, and then go get your uterus scraped out. You wake up, and have minor cramping, "current practice is to tell you to take Tylenol for the "menstrual like" cramps" and some light red bleeding. Bleeding lasts 2-3 weeks, and expect your period to arrive 6-9 weeks after surgery. Voila. All done.

Emotionally why have a D&C. Some may find the thought of carrying around a dead baby too much to deal with. Some may find waiting unbearable. Some may be afraid of having a miscarriage, after all we all have heard horror stories {So and so bled all over the place, the ambulance had to take her out of work! Oh the pain was so bad I passed out! etc.}. Who would take that route if the blue pill was offered.

Why not to have a D&C, physiologically. First it is uterine surgery. They first "sound" the uterus with a blunt metal rod (oh, that can't perforate a hole in your uterus now can it?) inserting it up to see how large your uterus is. Then they forcefully dilate with metal rods of varying diameter. Insert a suction catheter, swirl it around a couple of times, and then introduce the currette, think a hollowed out spoon where the inside surface is razor sharp, and scrape the lining. If you want a better play by play read "A woman in residence". It is quite horrific, she an OB resident states how "graphic" and how violent it is. So what are the risks associated with this? Perforated uterus, infection, hemorrhage, scarring (which can interfere with future implantation and placenta) etc. But that is the risk of only the actual surgery on the uterus. Due to it being under anesthesia "twilight sleep" or general, you now carry the risk of those as well. Blood clots, anesthetic reactions, broken teeth, damaged vocal cords, etc. Not to mention they sometimes throw in a urinary catheter so add urinary tract infection to the list.

The emotional reasons to not have a D&C. It is a procedure that is done to you. you are unconscious. You are completely at the hands of strangers in a strange place. The "twilight sleep" anesthesia is enough to weird anyone out. It is where they give you meds to make you not remember, but you still can answer their questions, and react and do as your told like "spread your legs". Now that is enough to make any rape survivor wig out! In the end, you do not have the feeling of closure, just a feeling of emptiness. A hollow void. They call the baby "products of conception" and ship it off to the path lab to be tested and thrown away as medical waste. It is a day event, and they send you off home all better now.

I had a D&C, and I will post the horror event another time.

A little help from my friends

So, I decided to try and give my body a little help realizing that what I am carrying is not meant to be. Funny how now, after all these months of trying, and using progesterone, my body is holding onto this without spotting, without bleeding. Just the way it is supposed to work. A nice nurturing womb environment.

But why this time? Why this time does my body decide to work, yet life decides to leave me early? I know, life is full of why's and rarely do I ever find out the "ah ha" moment, where the end of series reveals all those pent up events, those moments that need a closer. A pity that life is not like TV, or a good book. No revalations into why I must endure.

So, after reading Susun Weed's books http://www.susunweed.com/ and a bunch of stuff on the internet decided to try taking herbs and stuff to speed things along. www.sisterzeus.com/Abortif.htm

Taking ~6,000 mg of vitamin C. This is supposed to inhibit progesterone, thus lowering the circulating progesterone to the uterine lining, causing spotting, etc.

Taking 400mg of Black Cohosh 4-5x a day. Supposed to relax the cervix and allow things to move.

Talking 4-5 cups of Blue cohosh tincture (20 drops in a small amount of warm water) supposed to coordinate uterine contractions.

I also bought some Angelica, but everything states to wait and let the vitamin C and others do their job before taking it.

So who knows. Maybe I will be able to help things along. Living in this in-between world, pregnant, yet not pregnant is hell.

The fist look 1/5/09

Well, it is the day of the first look. The first ultrasound. I am 6 weeks 5 days, so we should see a nice beating heart in my little bean.

We had to get up early and have Madeline to school by 7:00am so we could make it to our appointment at 7:30. I was nausious, nervous, and having anxiety moments. But overall Maddie was good, and went to school without any issues.

So we arrived at the RE's office and did not have to wait long, signed in and did not even remove our coats when they brought us back. I assumed the position and in came the ultrasound tech and one of the nurses. DH told them all that this was an important moment for us, since we have had so many losses before. I explained that it was important to know what was going on because previously my early ultrasounds were emotional hell, when the tech just asked me stupid things like "are you sure you are not bleeding?" Uhm, ya think I would have noticed bood coming out of my vagina and told someone!

So I get to put the magic wand (transvaginal ultrasound wand) up inside me. I lie there holding DH hand, my eyes tightly closed. A couple of minutes go by and the tech announces "there is the gestational sack". I turn over and look. Right there on the screen this big perfectly oblong shaped sack. And a perfect big black hole inside it. I just instantly state "and it is empty".

The nurse just replies "The tech will take a good look around". A couple minutes pass by, the nurse asks "have your other pregnancies gone this way? No fetal pole, not even a yolk sack?" My answer "NO, previous ones had a fetal pole, and a yolk sack, both the pre-Madeline ones and Madeline's twin".

So I was told, it was "not what I expected" and that was followed up with "You will want a D&E, and what is your OB's name". Pretty much they were washing their hands of me. Shipping me out. They left for me to get dressed, and delibrately moved a box of tissues to the table next to us. I was too numb to need them. I was bordering on numb to this intense anger. The Why word was creeping up on me. I just got dressed, pulled on my jacket, my hat, my gloves and after the nurse did not come back in, I told DH we are going. We opened the door and started heading to the front exit.

The nurse stops us on the way, saying again how "she knows this is not what I wanted" I could not say anything. The things I wanted to say were just pure anger, frustration, hatred talking. {YA FING THINK! YA THINK I WANT ANOTHER DEAD BABY! Oh I WANTED TO GO THROUGH THIS HELL AGAIN< DID NOT QUITE GET EOUGH THE LAST FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!!} But somehow I was able to just keep my head down and get through it. She anounced again how I should make an appointment with my OB soon and schedule the D&E.
I stated thanks, and left.

DH and I just went out in the parking lot. I had this overwhelming urge to spike the coffee he just handed me with a bottle of Jamesons Whiskey. Too bad I don't keep it in my glove compartment for moments like this. So we hugged. And vowed that we would get through this.

And I drove off to work. I managed to get a phone call in to my Mom. I could hardly talk. I did not want to say the words, I could not get them out of my mouth, it was like they were spinning in my head so fast, that they could not move past the knot in my neck. I just called, and stated. "Mom, this one is a no-go". She just sobbed out "oh Carrie, I am so sorry". I could not take it. I did not want to hear it. I could not talk about it. I did not want to vocalize these words. The words I hoped I would never have to use again. So I told her I loved her, and was on my way to work and I would talk to her later.

We had to drop DH car off at the shop so we drove there, and then he was to take me to work and use my truck to get around all day. So he was there with me.

Work was hell. I was numb. Yet again a walking zombie. Trying to keep my emotins from creeping up on me. But I found myself crying at my desk, trying to hide in the corner so no one would see me. I went to see my co-worker Sue, she was the only one at work who "knew" because she was like my mom and before the holidays she told me she "knew" I was pregnant. I guess it is just a mom thing. She felt horrible. And tried offering little comments to make me feel better. I told my co-worker Colleen, because she always asks me "howya doin?" And this time she caught me crying. She gave me a hug, (after looking both ways to make sure no one was looking :).

He came to pick me up for lunch and we went out to Ruby Tuesdays. It was nice to have him with me, but I was so nausious I did not even think I could eat. We ordered food anyways, and I would cry on and off, quiet tears that just seemed to spring up like a well under pressure. Somehow we managed to eat parts of our lunch. We held hands a lot. He talked about how we would get through this. And that we are still a family, and how we will be ok. That he was not going to leave me alone. This is probably the only good thing about him being unemployed.

I went back to work and tried to somehow keep going. Finding things to do that would keep my mind off of things.