Midnight... The last day of waiting

Midnight.. Here i sit. Unable to sleep.. Numb all over.

I have taken the long bath. Lots of special bath bomb from my favorite goat milk soap place. I sat there, stewing in hot french vanilla water, trying to read a book "Your roots are showing" while my Christmas present candle burns next to me. I ate chocolate, truffles, yet somehow... Did not seem to ease my mind.

I put new sheets on the bed, and put on the new quilt I was given at Christmas. Nothing eases me more than a nice orderly bed. But somehow it was not enough..

My heart aches. I will never know why my journey is the path that it is.. I will never know why I have been chosen to suffer, suffer the loss of children. Suffer physical pain, suffer through fear. A fear so strong, I shake.

My mind reels with emotions, thoughts, blurring together as I sit here, hours away from voluntarily having my body made unconscious. Walking to yet another cold metal table. Putting my vulnerable self bare to the world of medicine with their needles, IV catheters, dialaters, curettes... It seems like some horror show as the items flash before me. Cold medical pictures from textbooks.. Items made of cold hard steel, with horrific intentions, poke, scrape, tear, force.

All to force my body to relinquish it's hold on a life that just will never be. No amount of hope, no amount of prayer will change this path. And no amount of faith in my body will change the fact that my body has let me down again. Again I have created a broken life. Again my broken body will not do what it must. I must endure a forced removal of what my body cannot accomplish on it's own.

My husband told me something really sweet today, as I am in the middle of a downward spiral. He told me no matter how "broken" my body may seem to be, that I have one really good part. A heart and soul that out shines any other part of me. And that he loves that part, and that part is what is me. Not the broken bits.

I wish I could love that part and forgive the rest of me....But I can't. I can't accept the broken bits that force the rest of me, my mind, my soul to live a tormented existence. Haunted by the lives I could have nurtured. Haunted by the angel wings on babies that I have never held, although I have given my heart to.

I try to find the good in life. To say what I have somehow scraped out, a wonderful daughter who is my reason to exist. Somehow that one life has to make up for all the holes in my soul. Tonight as she lay sick in my bed, all I could do was stare at her. Her perfect eyebrows, her little nose.. And I cry because I have failed her. She may never have a baby brother or sister. She may have to play alone her entire life. No sisters or brothers to share birthdays, Christmas, or life's joys and sorrows with. I feel like I am dooming her to a sad existence without companionship. I never wanted an only...

I am scared shitless of tomorrow. Be it irrational, but I am. I will be giving myself up to these strangers to care for me, when I do not trust. Because trust is earned, and I have yet to have a medical professional I completely trust. But somehow I must surrender, I must close my eyes, dream of a happy place, and let my body be assaulted.

In the book "A women in residence" she calls the end of a D&C "the cry of the uterus" it is a feel, a texture of the muscle wall when all the interior lining has been scraped and suctioned away. My uterus will cry, as it is yet again damaged, damaged in the pretext of doing good.

I worry about the future consequences this will have, yet I am at a moment in life when I worry I will have no future use of my uterus. A barren dead zone. I worry if I will ever be able to do this again. To try again... How much must I endure? How much suffering must I go through? How much physical pain and bleeding before life will be better? Maybe six losses is not enough, maybe I am doomed to loose more, never have another.

I cannot sleep.. Yet I am exhausted. drained to the core of my being. I have been fighting for weeks now. Trying to keep going, to somehow push my loss, my mourning, my pain to the back, in hopes of a good outcome, my body resolving this on its own. Yet now, after 30 days of waiting, I can no longer keep up these appearances. I am crying. I am broken. I cannot go on carrying a death of a dream within me. Without any idea when my life will ever be able to start to heal.

Today I cried to Joanne Shenandoah's "Grandmother moon". I also find comfort in the words, which escape me at the moment, but are about the light of the Grandmother moon finding, holding, and guiding me. And that is what I want I want to fall into the arms of the Grandmother, I do not want to carry these burdens anymore. I do not want to carry these star children with me, tearing me down. But I cannot find the path.. I do not know how to let go of something that has been there for so long. I do not know how to let go of my dreams, desires. It seems that my dreams and desires are attached to my pain and losses. How can I cut that tie? How can I free myself from pain?

My mind spins as my body shakes. I do not want tomorrow to come, yet I need tomorrow. I need to move on, and this is the only path forward. It is hell to look down the path in front of you, one full of fear, pain, out of control, and force yourself to walk it. To tread through lands of darkness, some days so dense that even breathing seems to be impossible. Why? Because I know that i must walk this path, that somehow on the other side, life will continue. I wish I could write that on the other side is some sort of great reward, when my suffering will be replaced by joy, and that all my dreams will come true, but I am a realist. And quite honestly I do not know what the other side of this path holds for me, may be more pain and suffering as the path's I have taken previously brought me to. But I must walk it.

I must keep going. I must walk this path...

Why?

Because I refuse to give in. Because I have been beaten down, but I still smile at the sun. I still love the moonbeams on my bed at night. I still love the sounds of birds in the spring. Because somehow I love this F=ed up life! Because I can not forgive my broken body, but slowly accept that it is not that bad.. Because I DO have one blessing that was given to me. And I need to be here for her. No matter what my life brings to me, I have a responsibility to her. To teach her all I have learned in life, to hope and pray that her life will be a kinder, gentle life. To do all I can to give that to her.

Well, half a box of kleenex later, and past my NPO cutoff, I somehow have to will my body to sleep... Because tomorrows journey will be long and hard, but tomorrow's night I will rest.

Closure?

Well everyone, Things will be moving along in my life as of tomorrow.

After weeks of paitently waiting, I am emotionally unable to keep going. This weekend was the worst by far since this whole thing started.

I was able to see my OB today, and we did one more US just to make me feel better about things. My OB was hoping since i still have nausea, sore boobs, etc, that she would see a baby. I unfortunately did not share her hope. I just wanted to know that it was not some cancerous tumor or anything..

And just the big black hole was there.. Nothing else. No worry about molar pregnancy, etc, but no sign of any bleeding, anything in there either.. So we have scheduled me for the D&C surgery tomorrow. Time undetermined since I am an "add in".

I am at peace with this as much as I can be... I honestly feel that I have tried everything. Herbs, time, etc.. But for some reason, my life journey is supposed to take another path.. Why I do not know.. What the implications this has on my future, I do not know...

I am of course scared S-less about surgery, but I am comforted with the knowledge that my OB is kind, caring, and gentle. She is an experienced and skilled OB. She reassured me that NO ONE but her will be touching me, and that helps a lot since I had pretty bad PTSD after my first D&C. She gave me the spiel of risks, etc, but also told me that in all of her experiences the complications are very rare.. So that makes me feel somewhat better, even though I know enough to make me worry.

Next hurdle is meeting with the anesthesiolog


Well, that is my update. Soon I will be able to change my ticker and say I am moving on with life...

Keep me in your thoughts/prayers tomorrow Feb 3rd.

I will update when I get a chance and feel emotionally able to.

Next steps?

Well, it has now been something rediculous like 3+ weeks since diagnosis with absolutely no progress. I am starting to have serious doubts that my body will handle things. But most importantly, I WANT THIS OVER! I want to go on with my life. I feel like I am in such a state of limbo. Emotionally I am handling the loss ok, but I just want my life to be back to some sort of normal. I have no idea when I will actually miscarry. I have no sings that it will be soon, or another two weeks! I want to get on with my life! I want something besides looking forward to a miscarriage to look forward to!

I am still not convinced another D&C is the right idea. The thoughts of a 5lb weighted speculum, the possibility of having a tooth knocked out or vocal cords damaged due to intubation for general anesthesia just because I am tired of waiting, is not a good idea.

I just do not know. I am considering the medical management style. Taking the pills and getting it over with. Getting onto the other side. The healing side. I cannot even start healing yet!

Apointment with OB 1/8/09

Well, anxiety was high, emotions a mess. Appointment with Dr. O today.

Drove over there from work. My body hurting all over. I am so tired of the stress. My head feels like it will explode.

The office is at the hospital, so i have to find a place to park in the parking garage, and then walk into the "professional" building side of the hospital. the waiting room thankfully is not that full. I try not to look around. The receptionist want's to know why I am there, what do I say? I reply "a follow up vist". Once I am signed in, thank god I barely sat down when the nurse calls my name to go back.

So there I am and nurse asks me "why I am there" I state, a follow up. We do the weight, pulse and pressure routine. And I return to sitting in the visitor chair. That is one think I have learned in dealing with doctors. DO NOT sit on the exam table. It puts you in the position of patient from the minute they walk in. So I am sitting there, waiting, (ok, playing a game on my phone, which i find is really usefull when you have to do a lot of waiting, {I wore out one touch screen during Madeline's pregnancy with all the waiting room wating I did}).

She walks in and asks "how are you doing". I reply with "First, let me give you the disclaimer, I am in the anger stage of loss dealing. And I am just really angry at the world, you happen to be walking upon it in close range to me, so I apologize in advance if I say something inapropriate or come off hostile". She just smiles and states 'ok. noted'. She looks over my file real quick and starts up with, well we can schedule a D&C. I tell her nope. No thank you. She asks me why. I tell her that I have had a D&C in the past and it was hell. I had to wait a week and a half to have surgery, they told me they would not need to intubate me, and I woke up coughing up blood clots, bruising on my jaw. Found out only after I asked three days later that "I was fighting them, and they had to sedate me deeper" I also developed a UTI from their catheter use. Told her the Tylenol was not a good pain pill for post scraped out uterus. Told her that I ended up having PTSD after the surgery, and became fixated on what was done to me while unconcious.

She stated that waiting was an option, and proceeded to list the risks associated : infection, heavy bleeding, retained products of conception, infection resulting in hysterectomy, emergency D&C, etc. I then countered with the risks of a D&C, infection, perforation, scarring, heavy bleeding, retained POC, with the added risks of anesthesia on top, blood clots, reactions to anesthetic, cardiac arrest, emboilsim. etc.

I reminded her that this is not the first time I have done this. I have had one D&C and then three natural miscarriages, one being at 12 weeks. No complications from any of them. She stated I was an informed consumer, and knew what I was talking about.

We agreed to work together. She if I wanted would look up the medical abortion cocktail (she does not do abortions, so does not know what it is, but is willing to look it up) and would support me through that. Only wishing that I start the medications on a Monday so if I needed emergency surgery, she could do it. We decided that if I changed my mind, that I could come back in and schedule surgery. We both agreed that we would re-asses the situation after two weeks has gone by.

She then wanted to know if I have thought about birth control. If I "Ever wanted to do this again". I really was not ready for that discussion, and told her that emotionally I am not in a place to discuss this topic. That I want to get through this and then go from there. I told her that it took me three years to consider having another go at pregnancy after my ordeal with Madeline. She started talking about sterilization, long term birth control options. My response was, DH and I have been able to deal with my fertility for years now without birth control, we can handle it now thank you.

So we left on good terms. She believes in "hug therapy" so I was given a big hug. She is a good OB (as OB's come) a bit short sighted, but if I had to pick one for GYN issues, she would be it. Her practice does not "do" VBAC's and neither does the hospital attached. So that is the main reason I will not choose them for my prenatal care.

So that is that. It was not as bad as I had made it out to be. And in the end I felt a little better.