And Aunt Flo is in the house!

Wow, it is so strange, my feelings about AF this time.. Not the first time i felt this way either...

It seems when I am TTC, each time AF makes her visit, I get dissapointed, depressed, and feel like a failure. That another month of my ticking clock has gone by, with yet more dissapointment and no hope of a baby.

Yet I find myself relieved and somehow uplifted when AF arrives after a loss. Yes, some days the bleeding is a reminder of the loss I had, a painful reminder that I am bleeding instead of growing bigger and waiting to feel my bean wiggle...

But the other emotions that come into play are there as well!

The feeling like the waiting for things to become a new "normal" has come to fruition. That my body has healed itself and continued the cycle of life. That I am not broken, that the miscarriage with or without surgery did not damage me beyond repair. That somehow I bleed again.. My body starting fresh all over, a new womb environment.

It also carries with it an optomisim that yes, these past months sucked, but does not mean the next will repeat that theme. Sort of a spring cleaning of body and mind.

I have also updated my ticker, because it is true, I feel like I am moving on, a new cycle, the completion of my miscarriage. My body has moved on, now I just have to make sure my mind moves with it!

So, now if I could just tell AF to lay off the cramps, I would enjoy this moment a bit more!

Next steps?

Well, it has now been something rediculous like 3+ weeks since diagnosis with absolutely no progress. I am starting to have serious doubts that my body will handle things. But most importantly, I WANT THIS OVER! I want to go on with my life. I feel like I am in such a state of limbo. Emotionally I am handling the loss ok, but I just want my life to be back to some sort of normal. I have no idea when I will actually miscarry. I have no sings that it will be soon, or another two weeks! I want to get on with my life! I want something besides looking forward to a miscarriage to look forward to!

I am still not convinced another D&C is the right idea. The thoughts of a 5lb weighted speculum, the possibility of having a tooth knocked out or vocal cords damaged due to intubation for general anesthesia just because I am tired of waiting, is not a good idea.

I just do not know. I am considering the medical management style. Taking the pills and getting it over with. Getting onto the other side. The healing side. I cannot even start healing yet!

Stork Huntin... Ye HAW!

Anyone up for a stork hunt with me?

Not as bad as previous cravings, but it is there! Thank god not as many people up here in rural counry believe in putting that ugly wooden stork with the little ballon for a newborn up on their lawns. If they did, I would have my truck fog lights on and my shotgun out!

Storks beware!

Anyone else want some salt to rub into the infertile, womb of deathwoman?

Right up there with the insensitive pro-life sign in front of the Milltown NJ Roman Catholic Church. It proclaimed:

CHOOSE LIFE, ABORTION STOPS A BEATING HEART.

And let me tell you there were days I wanted to drive over the curb, take out that friggin thing and then walk over to the rectory and tell the shallow minded preist who never suffered carrying a dead baby within them to pack this pole up his pious ass!

What are you saying to us who do not have a choice! I have no choice. What choice do I have besides carrying another heart that is not beating within me! You know what my choice is. A D&C. The medical abortion. Does not matter if it is viable or not. It is still in your records as an Abortion. More salt please?

So there are some of us out there that do not have the choice of life. That choice has been made for us.