No Big deal...

So I have been hesitant to call my OB or RE's office. I wanted to enjoy the holidays without worry or repeat serial HcG readings, etc.

I called my OB's office today, and their response was "see you in a couple of weeks". I was like WTF??? I have a history of multiple losses! I ask if there is any way I could get in for early monitoring. Had to wait for a nurse to call me back. I explain that this is pregnancy #8, and would like some additional HcG and ultrasounds in the beginning. Her response was well, I will let Dr. B. know, but we will see you in two weeks. So I told her "If you cannot accomodate my needs I do have an RE who I will go to if you will not do the early monitoring". She replies with "I am sure Dr. B. will be able to accomodate you". They were supposed to call me back with Dr. B's recomendations.. They never did.

Called my RE's office and they will have me in tomorrow AM. Big fat blow farts to the health profession that cannot meet the psychological need of a mother who has had multiple losses! If they were not the only VBAC supportive practice in 60 miles, I would consider another practice.

The Pink Lines

Wow. Ok, I am a POAS fanatic. If I have them in the house, they will get dipped and swirled!

So came back from being away for the holidays, and just had to POAS, in case the previous three a week ago were wrong...

And there it was two pink lines. But the second line was faint. Now starts the analyzing the old test with the new test... Is it fainter because of "bad things"? It is the same test kit box.... So should be same reagents... Should it have been darker???

So the next day POAS again... Just to see those two pink lines appear... Again the second line not as dark on the FRE test.... Do I tell husband my nitty worries?? Do I buy another brand? I should be 5 weeks now...

I break down and show DH the sticks, and try to casually mention my worry about the "faint" line... He turns them over in his hands, looks at them under the flouresecent lights, moves to the window... And then states "The second line is the control line. It is fainter, but the pregnant line is well, big and fat? What is the problem?" PHEW!!!!!!!!

Again, I think too much...

Ok, the rollercoaster starts again...

Wow. That is all I have to say. So we are looking forward to celebrating the holidays, and Eleanor's first birthday on December 30th. And then....

I have been having wicked mood swings. Depressed, and then a manic christmas cookie baker... Um ok? Then the weird hungry all the time and mysterious whopping weight gain. About a week ago, I had an odd moment when getting ready for bed where this warmth and peace came over me. I laughed it off.

Well yesterday I decided for fits and giggles since AF was due yesterday to POAS. I found an old digital model and even though it was now 7:00pm and I had already gone to the bathroom when I came home, decided to try it anyways. Did the old cup and swish method (since I have never been able to aim on a little stick and feel that I was able to do it correctly).

And then..... "pregnant" pops up in the window... OMG.... Hyperventiliation time... Then the fits of giggles.. Then the holy crap, what are we going to do!!!!!!!!

So needless to say the possiblity of number three has really thrown us for a loop. DH was beyond happy. He was glowing! He wanted another child, and he has always stated "we will just make it work" but now?!?!?

We are cautious. I will not go rushing in to the doctors. The funny thing is I have a January 17th appointment scheduled with my reproductive endocrinologist for a "pre-conception consultation". HA HA.... So since this is Pregnancy #8, and lord willing baby #3, we are reserved, but hopefull.

So, here we go again!

And the number is.....

655 at 4 weeks 3 days

That is the first Beta HcG. So it is "good" in a relative term, meaning it is higher than say 50 and present. Besides that, there is nothing else to be concluded by the number.

So I go in on Wednesday morning and get the second draw. That one will tell if things are increasing or not... At this rate, the number should be around 2620. After that draw, we will schedule the US...

Feelings.... How do I feel? Ok. Not hyper crazy happy, not sad or too anxious. I just feel ok. It is a nice feeling, sort of content to keep on keeping on and not worry too much about all of this. After all what will be will be..

The re-draw 12/21/08

So I decided to go in for the repeat draw. DH thought it was a good idea, my Acupuncture provider thought it was a good idea. So what would this do for me? It could rule out an ectopic they say, which if caught now, could save me serious complications. It could give me peace of mind (DOUBT IT, never has in the past).

Go back in, same incompotent nurse, same ballpoint pen mark on my arm. Have the results in a few.

No early call this am... no results till 1:00pm. Nurse calls, tells me "your number is going up" and I knew. I asked her to tell me the actual result. 767. She tells me the number is not quite doubling, and they want me to come back in two days. My response, I will be traveling out of town the night before the scheduled draw, and will not be available due to the christmas holidays. Her response to me, "well we will schedule an ultrasound for 1/5/09."

So that is that, the number is "not textbook perfect!" Did I call it?!? Did I say this test would not make me feel better?!? And what am I supposed to do about it! Can I change this! Can they change this! What the F-ing poooo can anyone do except watch and wait!

So now I have doubt. The cautious happiness has turned to fear, turned to anxiety. I start looking up HcG doubling on every website I can find. DH does the same. We try to tell ourselves that it is still good (greater than a 60% increase, which for some reason is a textbook number that states doom and gloom comes to those with a lower doubling rate). What the poo. Why more stress!

Confirmation 12/18/2008

So, ice storm has abated, we are back in NH. I have put off calling my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office. I just want to be happy for a little while.

I spent the night puking to the point bile was the only thing filling the bowl. No fever, and did not eat anything wonky. First time I was sick. My pregnancy with Madeline, I was nausious but never threw up.

Managed to drag my azz out of bed and get to the RE's office for my 7:30 blood draw. I am now 16 DPO. Tell the nurse I was sick all night. She asks "any fever, eat anything diffrent?" I say nope. She then harshly coments "well, we will just see if you actually are pregnant". (Should I put in here that the women at this office are a peice of work?!? Not the first time insensitive shit spilled out of them). She had a hard time finding a vein "uhm, can you say I am a bit dehydrated?". She drew a dot with her pen "so she could find the vein easier" WTF?!? I have seen paramedics jab a 16 guage in someones arm while riding the back of an Ambulance going 45-50 over bumpy roads!

Then the wait. Since I was there early, I would have the results later that day.

Ten am. earlier than they ever called. Diffrent nurse, so I could not be all condesending to "we will see" woman. My HcG Beta was 217. They wanted me to come in for a doubling rate, but since we were slated to get another winter storm in two days,told me to come back in four.

I contemplated this. I know this path. What would this tell me? Would I be reassured by the "doubling rate" or would it just prove more anxiety? What would happen if the numbers were not quite the textbook double? Based on the time and the initial number I should have a 868 number. Part of me does not want to know. I want to just be F-ing happy for once! I want to be ignorant of loss, of pain, of the hell I have been through.

I guess we will make that decision as it comes.

Here we go again

Not really tring hard, but somehow it happened this cycle. My BFP. Found out while refugees from a nasty ice storm leaving southern NH without power for days, a week for some. We were at my family's house, I was not even due for Aunt Flo yet.

When we arrived, my Mom took one look at me and announced she was making not one more christmas stocking, but two. (the one was for my nephew Liam who was celebrating his first christmas). I looked at her like she was crazy.

Decided my Mom's behaviour and my lack of AF symptoms, maybe we should test. But of course here is a POAS (pee on a stick) addict with out a single stick! Dh announced he was going to Wegmans (with the hope of picking up some sticks) and my brother announced he would go too! So although DH tried to find them when my brother was out on a smoke break, it was not sucessful. More waiting.

Next day we go out to buy a generator, and I decide to pick up a pack of FRE sticks. When we get back to my parents house, I go upstairs and POAS. To my utter disbelief, it is the strongest, fastes BIG FAT POSITIVE I have ever had, and on CD (cycle day) 27, 12 DPO (days post ovulation) {Does it show that I am a fertility freak? Charting my BBT as well}

DH and I had the biggest SEG (shit eating grins) that one could emagine. We were excited! We were dealing with sub-fertility and were contemplating IUI with clomid soon. To find out we achieved a BFP with NO intervention at all. No clomid, no progeseterone, nothing.

We were excited, but at the same time cautiously optomistic. After all, it was just the begining of Pregnancy #5. (while we only have one live child)