Supprise

Well, DH was beyond belief when I pulled out the HPT. He thought I pulled a fast one on him, with an old stick....

He just shook his head in disbelief, a massive S.E.G. on his face... Which was followed up with "well if I knew we were going to try this cycle, I would have had more SEX!!!!"

His next statement was "But we only BD once!!!!" Followed up with "This sort of thing happens to other people not US!"

Yeah, not us... It has been months of charting, temping, RE appointments, and massive amounts of timed BD in order to get a BFP. We were told we were SUB-Fertile!

But here we are, second cycle after my loss, and not even trying!

The Unexpected....

Ok, I know people tell you this all the time... {when you stop caring too much, that is when it happens}.

Well, I just don't know. I know I have sort of given up TTC, I know I really felt resigned that Maddie will be an only. I even started looking at other things to keep me busy since building my family was a loosing battle. So I went through the process to get my NH EMT license (used to have a NJ license) and joined the local Fire/EMS/Rescue department. I have PLANS! I am going to ride the ambulance, I am possibly going to get certified for fire! I have started planning on all the gardens we will work on, Maddie's play set, a vacation with inlaws in June...

And that nagging feeling "POAS, POAS, POAS," kept creaping in.... AF is not late, heck it is not due for another day or two... But...

I POAS'ed.......

And, my morning foggy eyes, looked down, and stated {hell, must be an old strip, that looks like an evap line!}. But after two minutes, the line was not a faint yellow streak, it was a bright flaming pink line! I did the pink line laugh "ha ha haaa haaaaaa haaahaahaaa". And DH had already left for class....

So here I am living with the knowledge that that "feeling" I had was a "feeling" afterall.

I am happy, scared, and well, just don't know what to think!

This is just the begining again, and the road is long, but I grasp the moment of "HOLY COW!!!!!" for now! I love the supprise! I love the "we were not even trying!" Those are like statements that 'other' women use... Not me! But now it is me! We had an 'accident' and I am PG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!

From what I can tell, I think I O'ed around Easter. So that makes an Easter baby who has a rough arrival date of late december, early January... A christmas baby... Is there any irony in this?!? I gave up, I quit, I threw my hands up and accepted my lot in life, just to have another chance...

Pray for me, pray for us, that this time, somehow nothing goes so tragically wrong! I need to stay positive...

Confirmation 12/18/2008

So, ice storm has abated, we are back in NH. I have put off calling my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office. I just want to be happy for a little while.

I spent the night puking to the point bile was the only thing filling the bowl. No fever, and did not eat anything wonky. First time I was sick. My pregnancy with Madeline, I was nausious but never threw up.

Managed to drag my azz out of bed and get to the RE's office for my 7:30 blood draw. I am now 16 DPO. Tell the nurse I was sick all night. She asks "any fever, eat anything diffrent?" I say nope. She then harshly coments "well, we will just see if you actually are pregnant". (Should I put in here that the women at this office are a peice of work?!? Not the first time insensitive shit spilled out of them). She had a hard time finding a vein "uhm, can you say I am a bit dehydrated?". She drew a dot with her pen "so she could find the vein easier" WTF?!? I have seen paramedics jab a 16 guage in someones arm while riding the back of an Ambulance going 45-50 over bumpy roads!

Then the wait. Since I was there early, I would have the results later that day.

Ten am. earlier than they ever called. Diffrent nurse, so I could not be all condesending to "we will see" woman. My HcG Beta was 217. They wanted me to come in for a doubling rate, but since we were slated to get another winter storm in two days,told me to come back in four.

I contemplated this. I know this path. What would this tell me? Would I be reassured by the "doubling rate" or would it just prove more anxiety? What would happen if the numbers were not quite the textbook double? Based on the time and the initial number I should have a 868 number. Part of me does not want to know. I want to just be F-ing happy for once! I want to be ignorant of loss, of pain, of the hell I have been through.

I guess we will make that decision as it comes.