8wk2D Ultrasound

Had my 8w2d ultrasound. I went alone since DH had to get into work early so he could be home by 18:15 so I could attend the Conscious Sedation Induction assistant training. Sounds weird, but really it is just a bunch of stuff Paramedics can do to paralyze a conscious patient so you can pass an endotrachea tube.

Ok, back to my original theme... The ultrasound was good. Baby measuring 8w2d and a HB of 180bmp. :) So all is good so far!

I must say that I have had so many trans-vaginal ultrasound exams that I can lie there, with the technician "doing her thing" and talk about just about anything. Weather, jobs, kids... It did strike me as odd later when I had some time alone that used to instill panic and fear has become something as routine as brushing my teeth. Having a stranger move a trans-vaginal ultrasound probe around inside me as I sit there and chat. Sort of disturbing to think about....

First Look

Well today we had our first look. It was a "go, no-go" moment...

I was able to get to the office first since DH dropped the kids off at daycare for me so I would be on time. I asked to wait till he arrived. So they brought me back in and I had to change and sit there waiting for him. Started to get that panicky feeling. The builing pressure in your chest. And then the door opened.

Phew.

DH was so stoic, he was going on and on about "if this does not work, it is for the best, things were just not meant to be, and it will be ok, we will be ok..." I just squeezed his hand.

The nurse and the tech came in and started the exam. I stared at the ceiling... Not wanting to know.

And then the tech turns the monitor towards us and states "See the flicker. That is the heartbeat" And I finally take a breath.

One healthy little bean, 6wks5days and 153bpm. :) LOVE at first blurry picture!

So we go back in two weeks for an 8 week ultrasound, and then a 10 week ultrasound before being cleared from our RE's office. Similar to what we did with DD#2.

Seems we are picking up speed on this rollercoaster!

Just about half way...

So I am now 18 weeks, and full of mixed emotions.

The quickening happened (hate that, reminds me of the Highlander movies! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE MCQUEEN!!!!) and that is a good thing. I love those kicks and bounces.

I have also changed shape. I have only gained about a pound and a half, if that, but seems like I have redistributed it all to the front. I swear I must be on some sci fi experiment because some mornings I wake up and go 'holy cow! That bump sure looks massive! No way it is all baby!" so I am left wondering if I have more intestines than normal, or if I just have moved up in size from a compact car spare tire to a bus tire somehow?!?

We are scheduled to go in on Wednesday for the Anatomy scan. Sort of nervous about that. We will find out if it is a turtle or a hamburger (really stoopid way of looking at ultrasound pictures, if it looks like a turtle, boy, a set of hamburger buns, a girl). We have our money on a Big Mac. LOL... DD still waffles and thinks it may be a boy some times, others it is little sister.

But with this appointment I am also supposed to do the early GD screen. I am going to try and put it off since the appointment is at 8:00 am and morning glucose challenge tests are notorious for having high values. Something I would like to avoid. I think I will claim nausia and reschedule for an afternoon!

So I am stressed and trying to process as best as possible.

I have made some contacts for a local DOULA and so far have a coulple I am interested in. They all sound so great! I also tried starting my hypnobabies CD's and so far all they do is make me fall asleep! WRUGH UOOHH. The book states that is ok, because I am still subliminally taking it all in (now that is scary huh, is this me driving it or is it all post hypnotic suggestion?) Guess I don't really care as long as I can get through birth without a 16g needle in my spine!

More stress....

Well, today I had my 13w5d appointment with one of the midwives. Decided since it will be one of the last appt's DH will be able to attend without having to loose work time, we should bring DD to hear the Baby's heartbeat. Sounds like a good idea right? We told DD that there was a baby in mommy's tummy and she has been pretty cool with it. Trying to tickle baby, etc. We decided to tell her around 12 weeks because we were tired of trying to tell her to stop playing jungle gym on mommy's tummy for no good reason.

So the appt was at 9:00, and of course we were running late as usual. Had to take two cars so DH could take DD to daycare, and I could go to work without loosing out on tons of time. And it was raining.

We get there and they put us in the smallest room ever. The nurse was ok, but very dry. She did the weight (same as last time, so no gain yet!), BP (117/74), and urine dip (clean). And then we waited for the MW. DD was off the wall, and just wanted to sit on my lap the entire time. Would not sit with DH.

MW came in and introduced herself. We had a breif chat about DD birth and my plans to not schedule a repeat C/S. She sounded encouraging, but kept asking if I had discussed all of this with Dr. P. Which I have.

Then all hell broke loose. She tried finding the HB with a hand held doppler. After an excrutiating 10+ minutes of her pressing the transcever into my tender flesh trying to find the HB. We heard mine a lot, but no baby. At this point DH pretty much stared at me and tuned out. I could see he was shutting down. I was trying not to panick. I have been in these sort of situations so many times, I just start to compartmentalize. I focus on breathing, happy place, etc.

The now nervous MW told me she would go check to see if the US machine was available and get me in right now. She walked out. DH exclaimed "What the heck could have gone wrong! We just had a US at 11w5d that was fine!" at this time I shushed him, because a LOT can go wrong at any time.

DD picked up on the stress and was standing next to me, her hand on my belly. Then she calmly tells me. "Mommy, I wish I had a pair of binoculars, so I could look through your belly and see the baby." I just hugged her and told her me too.

So MW comes back and tells me US tech is available, and for me to wait here for them to come get me. DH at this point, as white as a sheet, tells me he does not know if he want's to go in there with DD.

By the time US tech fetches us, DH decides he will go in, but not happy, only there for me. So him and DD take up the seat next to me. US tech tries some small talk, talks about the us gel, etc. And when she puts the probe down low, all we see is bladder. That is where the MW was hunting around, in my bladder. After the US tech moved the probe up about three inches, closer to about an inch or two under my belly button (not on my c/s scar) there was itty bitty bean (IBB). Moving around like it was on some sort of race! I first saw IBB thrash out with an arm, and knew if there was movement, there was a HB. Sure enough HB was within normal limits, and IBB was moving all over the place, kicking, punching, stretching, rolling from front to back, side to side. Having a grand old time in there. The US tech had a hard time locking the doppler for a HB onto IBB because it kept on moving back and forth out of the beam. But it was there.

So in the end, left with a strip of images, but DH was still locked in a shell. I could not get him out of it. I had to go talk to the billing department, about what my insurance covered, etc. and he took DD out to his car to start his way to her school. He still did not look good.

I called him on my way and asked if he was OK. He told me "NO". I asked if he wanted to talk about it, and he told me, "No, not really". I tried getting him to talk. Finally all he stated was "why does this keep happening! Why is it always the same thing!". I tried to remind him that yeah, I was stressed to poo and beyond myself, but the outcome was good. IBB is still there! IBB is still moving along! I don't think I convinced him or made him feel any better.

It has been such a war zone emotionally goign through everything we have gone through, and it just seems like it does not end up. I really think DH has suffered PTSD along with me after DD's ordeal and all of our losses. But it is so hard to get him to open up, to talk about it. He told me he has been having nightmares of being chased by aliens or monsters, and always feeling like something bad is right around the corner. Too many times it has been. I wish I could make him feel better, I wish I could help him work through his fears, and maybe have some hope, to find something to cling to.

So, a long day, and it is not even over...

The fist look 1/5/09

Well, it is the day of the first look. The first ultrasound. I am 6 weeks 5 days, so we should see a nice beating heart in my little bean.

We had to get up early and have Madeline to school by 7:00am so we could make it to our appointment at 7:30. I was nausious, nervous, and having anxiety moments. But overall Maddie was good, and went to school without any issues.

So we arrived at the RE's office and did not have to wait long, signed in and did not even remove our coats when they brought us back. I assumed the position and in came the ultrasound tech and one of the nurses. DH told them all that this was an important moment for us, since we have had so many losses before. I explained that it was important to know what was going on because previously my early ultrasounds were emotional hell, when the tech just asked me stupid things like "are you sure you are not bleeding?" Uhm, ya think I would have noticed bood coming out of my vagina and told someone!

So I get to put the magic wand (transvaginal ultrasound wand) up inside me. I lie there holding DH hand, my eyes tightly closed. A couple of minutes go by and the tech announces "there is the gestational sack". I turn over and look. Right there on the screen this big perfectly oblong shaped sack. And a perfect big black hole inside it. I just instantly state "and it is empty".

The nurse just replies "The tech will take a good look around". A couple minutes pass by, the nurse asks "have your other pregnancies gone this way? No fetal pole, not even a yolk sack?" My answer "NO, previous ones had a fetal pole, and a yolk sack, both the pre-Madeline ones and Madeline's twin".

So I was told, it was "not what I expected" and that was followed up with "You will want a D&E, and what is your OB's name". Pretty much they were washing their hands of me. Shipping me out. They left for me to get dressed, and delibrately moved a box of tissues to the table next to us. I was too numb to need them. I was bordering on numb to this intense anger. The Why word was creeping up on me. I just got dressed, pulled on my jacket, my hat, my gloves and after the nurse did not come back in, I told DH we are going. We opened the door and started heading to the front exit.

The nurse stops us on the way, saying again how "she knows this is not what I wanted" I could not say anything. The things I wanted to say were just pure anger, frustration, hatred talking. {YA FING THINK! YA THINK I WANT ANOTHER DEAD BABY! Oh I WANTED TO GO THROUGH THIS HELL AGAIN< DID NOT QUITE GET EOUGH THE LAST FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!!} But somehow I was able to just keep my head down and get through it. She anounced again how I should make an appointment with my OB soon and schedule the D&E.
I stated thanks, and left.

DH and I just went out in the parking lot. I had this overwhelming urge to spike the coffee he just handed me with a bottle of Jamesons Whiskey. Too bad I don't keep it in my glove compartment for moments like this. So we hugged. And vowed that we would get through this.

And I drove off to work. I managed to get a phone call in to my Mom. I could hardly talk. I did not want to say the words, I could not get them out of my mouth, it was like they were spinning in my head so fast, that they could not move past the knot in my neck. I just called, and stated. "Mom, this one is a no-go". She just sobbed out "oh Carrie, I am so sorry". I could not take it. I did not want to hear it. I could not talk about it. I did not want to vocalize these words. The words I hoped I would never have to use again. So I told her I loved her, and was on my way to work and I would talk to her later.

We had to drop DH car off at the shop so we drove there, and then he was to take me to work and use my truck to get around all day. So he was there with me.

Work was hell. I was numb. Yet again a walking zombie. Trying to keep my emotins from creeping up on me. But I found myself crying at my desk, trying to hide in the corner so no one would see me. I went to see my co-worker Sue, she was the only one at work who "knew" because she was like my mom and before the holidays she told me she "knew" I was pregnant. I guess it is just a mom thing. She felt horrible. And tried offering little comments to make me feel better. I told my co-worker Colleen, because she always asks me "howya doin?" And this time she caught me crying. She gave me a hug, (after looking both ways to make sure no one was looking :).

He came to pick me up for lunch and we went out to Ruby Tuesdays. It was nice to have him with me, but I was so nausious I did not even think I could eat. We ordered food anyways, and I would cry on and off, quiet tears that just seemed to spring up like a well under pressure. Somehow we managed to eat parts of our lunch. We held hands a lot. He talked about how we would get through this. And that we are still a family, and how we will be ok. That he was not going to leave me alone. This is probably the only good thing about him being unemployed.

I went back to work and tried to somehow keep going. Finding things to do that would keep my mind off of things.