The re-draw 12/21/08

So I decided to go in for the repeat draw. DH thought it was a good idea, my Acupuncture provider thought it was a good idea. So what would this do for me? It could rule out an ectopic they say, which if caught now, could save me serious complications. It could give me peace of mind (DOUBT IT, never has in the past).

Go back in, same incompotent nurse, same ballpoint pen mark on my arm. Have the results in a few.

No early call this am... no results till 1:00pm. Nurse calls, tells me "your number is going up" and I knew. I asked her to tell me the actual result. 767. She tells me the number is not quite doubling, and they want me to come back in two days. My response, I will be traveling out of town the night before the scheduled draw, and will not be available due to the christmas holidays. Her response to me, "well we will schedule an ultrasound for 1/5/09."

So that is that, the number is "not textbook perfect!" Did I call it?!? Did I say this test would not make me feel better?!? And what am I supposed to do about it! Can I change this! Can they change this! What the F-ing poooo can anyone do except watch and wait!

So now I have doubt. The cautious happiness has turned to fear, turned to anxiety. I start looking up HcG doubling on every website I can find. DH does the same. We try to tell ourselves that it is still good (greater than a 60% increase, which for some reason is a textbook number that states doom and gloom comes to those with a lower doubling rate). What the poo. Why more stress!

Confirmation 12/18/2008

So, ice storm has abated, we are back in NH. I have put off calling my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office. I just want to be happy for a little while.

I spent the night puking to the point bile was the only thing filling the bowl. No fever, and did not eat anything wonky. First time I was sick. My pregnancy with Madeline, I was nausious but never threw up.

Managed to drag my azz out of bed and get to the RE's office for my 7:30 blood draw. I am now 16 DPO. Tell the nurse I was sick all night. She asks "any fever, eat anything diffrent?" I say nope. She then harshly coments "well, we will just see if you actually are pregnant". (Should I put in here that the women at this office are a peice of work?!? Not the first time insensitive shit spilled out of them). She had a hard time finding a vein "uhm, can you say I am a bit dehydrated?". She drew a dot with her pen "so she could find the vein easier" WTF?!? I have seen paramedics jab a 16 guage in someones arm while riding the back of an Ambulance going 45-50 over bumpy roads!

Then the wait. Since I was there early, I would have the results later that day.

Ten am. earlier than they ever called. Diffrent nurse, so I could not be all condesending to "we will see" woman. My HcG Beta was 217. They wanted me to come in for a doubling rate, but since we were slated to get another winter storm in two days,told me to come back in four.

I contemplated this. I know this path. What would this tell me? Would I be reassured by the "doubling rate" or would it just prove more anxiety? What would happen if the numbers were not quite the textbook double? Based on the time and the initial number I should have a 868 number. Part of me does not want to know. I want to just be F-ing happy for once! I want to be ignorant of loss, of pain, of the hell I have been through.

I guess we will make that decision as it comes.