More stress....

Well, today I had my 13w5d appointment with one of the midwives. Decided since it will be one of the last appt's DH will be able to attend without having to loose work time, we should bring DD to hear the Baby's heartbeat. Sounds like a good idea right? We told DD that there was a baby in mommy's tummy and she has been pretty cool with it. Trying to tickle baby, etc. We decided to tell her around 12 weeks because we were tired of trying to tell her to stop playing jungle gym on mommy's tummy for no good reason.

So the appt was at 9:00, and of course we were running late as usual. Had to take two cars so DH could take DD to daycare, and I could go to work without loosing out on tons of time. And it was raining.

We get there and they put us in the smallest room ever. The nurse was ok, but very dry. She did the weight (same as last time, so no gain yet!), BP (117/74), and urine dip (clean). And then we waited for the MW. DD was off the wall, and just wanted to sit on my lap the entire time. Would not sit with DH.

MW came in and introduced herself. We had a breif chat about DD birth and my plans to not schedule a repeat C/S. She sounded encouraging, but kept asking if I had discussed all of this with Dr. P. Which I have.

Then all hell broke loose. She tried finding the HB with a hand held doppler. After an excrutiating 10+ minutes of her pressing the transcever into my tender flesh trying to find the HB. We heard mine a lot, but no baby. At this point DH pretty much stared at me and tuned out. I could see he was shutting down. I was trying not to panick. I have been in these sort of situations so many times, I just start to compartmentalize. I focus on breathing, happy place, etc.

The now nervous MW told me she would go check to see if the US machine was available and get me in right now. She walked out. DH exclaimed "What the heck could have gone wrong! We just had a US at 11w5d that was fine!" at this time I shushed him, because a LOT can go wrong at any time.

DD picked up on the stress and was standing next to me, her hand on my belly. Then she calmly tells me. "Mommy, I wish I had a pair of binoculars, so I could look through your belly and see the baby." I just hugged her and told her me too.

So MW comes back and tells me US tech is available, and for me to wait here for them to come get me. DH at this point, as white as a sheet, tells me he does not know if he want's to go in there with DD.

By the time US tech fetches us, DH decides he will go in, but not happy, only there for me. So him and DD take up the seat next to me. US tech tries some small talk, talks about the us gel, etc. And when she puts the probe down low, all we see is bladder. That is where the MW was hunting around, in my bladder. After the US tech moved the probe up about three inches, closer to about an inch or two under my belly button (not on my c/s scar) there was itty bitty bean (IBB). Moving around like it was on some sort of race! I first saw IBB thrash out with an arm, and knew if there was movement, there was a HB. Sure enough HB was within normal limits, and IBB was moving all over the place, kicking, punching, stretching, rolling from front to back, side to side. Having a grand old time in there. The US tech had a hard time locking the doppler for a HB onto IBB because it kept on moving back and forth out of the beam. But it was there.

So in the end, left with a strip of images, but DH was still locked in a shell. I could not get him out of it. I had to go talk to the billing department, about what my insurance covered, etc. and he took DD out to his car to start his way to her school. He still did not look good.

I called him on my way and asked if he was OK. He told me "NO". I asked if he wanted to talk about it, and he told me, "No, not really". I tried getting him to talk. Finally all he stated was "why does this keep happening! Why is it always the same thing!". I tried to remind him that yeah, I was stressed to poo and beyond myself, but the outcome was good. IBB is still there! IBB is still moving along! I don't think I convinced him or made him feel any better.

It has been such a war zone emotionally goign through everything we have gone through, and it just seems like it does not end up. I really think DH has suffered PTSD along with me after DD's ordeal and all of our losses. But it is so hard to get him to open up, to talk about it. He told me he has been having nightmares of being chased by aliens or monsters, and always feeling like something bad is right around the corner. Too many times it has been. I wish I could make him feel better, I wish I could help him work through his fears, and maybe have some hope, to find something to cling to.

So, a long day, and it is not even over...