What "counts"

Well, DH and I had a bit of a heated discourse last night.. I was tired as crap, anemic as all hell and crampin out big time.

Somehow I stated something about this being my sixth loss. And Rob stated, "why do you keep saying that!! This is really your third. The last two don't count, and you have Madeline".

I held it together. "What do you mean the last two {don't count?}" His reply "well they were so early, it was not much more than a late period, and well, everyone has those, heck people probably have those all the time and don't know they were pregnant, so to me they don't count".

At that point I did start to get a bit animated.. And I pulled this to question his logic.. "Well, I had a positive pregnancy test! That meant conception occured! Do you not believe life begins at conception?" And his response to me... "Well, nope, I think it really is not life for a couple of weeks, I don't know".

So now I was armed and pissed, that I carry on and mourn lives my husband does not even consider valid.. So I asked "So then by your logic women can choose to terminate these 'not quite babies' before your arbitrary lenght of gestation and that is OK with you?" I was not given an answer.

I was also pissed and stated I DO count the vanishing twin I had when I had Madeline as a loss as well. He does not. Feels that "She does not know about that" and thus somehow I must invalidate it because one survived? How do we know that she "does not know?" It is entirely possible that early on her soul touched the soul of her womb mate, even for a day or two. Who knows what that leaves behind in ones soul? How can you calculate, measure, prove, that?

I know that maybe this is his way of coping, maybe to him a total dead baby count of three is easier for him to deal with than the fact that we have had confirmed by blood tests with or without ultrasound six conception events that ended up not surviving. I think he thinks that six dead makes it "too damaging" or something.. But to me I will honor the lives I nurtured for however long they were there, six minutes, six hours, six days, six weeks, etc..

THEY WERE LIVES!!!

And yes, six is damaging, but by ignoring them will not make the pain go away, it will not change the fact that I went through this hell. Maybe that is it? Maybe since he was not the one to have that life within their body, that he just could never understand? I do not know.