Post Surgical Appointment

I had my post surgical appointment. It was pretty lame. They took my weight, and BP, which is technically by the new guidelines HTN. Ya know they (the insurance underwriters, etc.) decided a healthy adult should have a blood pressure of 112/68. Gone is the 120/80, that is now early hypertension... WTF!?!?! I love this shventa, just like I looked at my BMI on that chart, and even though I know I could stand to loose 10 lbs, in order to not be obese, I need to loose 22 lbs!!!! Come on, if ya know me, I would be a stick figgure without any muscle on me... gag!

So the appointment consisted of the OB asking me how I was doing, I explained my bleeding pattern, and told her emotionally I crashed this past weekend, she told me the hormones should be starting to level out soon, and the emotional rollercoaster should calm down. Ya think? That would be nice. She also informed me that the Pathology came back already, and everything looked (normal) which means no worry of GTD (Gestational trophoblastic desease, aka molar pregnancy, etc.). She followed that up with the detaled genetic testing will not be back for two weeks at least. So waiting on that.

Wich brings me to the big thing on my mind.... Finding out if it is XX or XY... (heck I just called it an it... AAKKK). I think I have been trying not to think of this in any hard terms, it is more like as what my favorite author writes "an anthrophormorphic personification".. In my heart and soul, it was a baby, you know the pink cheeked chubby variety? So as my angel baby, that it what I see. And well, they are genderless!!!! I never really see them in my mind without the cute little diaper on! I have had feelings in the past that my losses were boys, but that was really with the pregnancies before DD. Not after. I just do not know if I want to know..

I also do not have names for my angel babies.. They are just angel babies. Giving it a definitive sex sort of messes that up somehow. Like now I have to think of a name.. When I do not want to pollute the memory of them with a name. To me names are for the living. To me names mean more about the person, when you say "you look like a Tom" it is because the name "fits". How can I name a life I never saw {ok, except for in the angelic diapered cherub sort of image?}. Yet to name it is to make it real. But my angels are real to me without a name. To me they are more like a date.. I don't know how that started, but they just seem like a numeric rundown...

10/2003 Angel
6/2004 Angel
12/2005 Angel (DD vanishing twin)
12/2007 Angel
4/2008 Angel
12/2008 Angel

The last one is hard to give a date for... I found out that it was not viable at the beginning of January, so I feel the date of 12/2008 is fitting, however as this blog has detailed, I carried the earthly remains of this angel till the third of February. But I feel I will keep the december date.

So I dread that call. I know I will find out, because I keep my own medical records, so I will have all of this on paper. But talking about it? Ughhhh.

In the end, the OB wanted to know what I wanted to do about birth control. And I told her that even though I will by all odds go through hell again, I do not want to give up. That we will try again, someday. So she did not push the BC isue. I told her that DH and I are well aware of how it works, and I have a pretty decent handle on my fertility (thanks to TCOYF), and well, seems we are also subfertile too, so the chances of us having sex and getting an OOPS is truly pretty low...

She gave me her "hug" therapy, and told me that the front desk will have her forwarding address, so I can send her my birth announcement in the future. Somehow this woman, this OB believes I will have another birth. That is encouraging, a little bit... :)