Saturdy, 5 days post surgery

Well, what to write...

Yesterday was a dark day for me. I went back to work for the first time since surgery, and it was ok. Some of my co-workers knew about my situation, but they were not there, either on vacation or out sick. Others just knew I had some mystery spontanious surgery. So when I informed them it was surgery for complications due to the loss of my sixth pregnancy, I then recieved pained faces from people who were probably thinking TMI HERE!!! and then OMGWTF DO I SAY? It is so sad that our world clouds these things in such a shroud of shame, of feelings of somehow we are not supposed to talk about the pain, the hurt.

One co-worker thought I was out with the stomach bug.. When I told him that "they don't hand out Vicodin for stomach bugs" and followed it up with why I was out, I at least this time was shown a face truly tormented by pain, and not knowing what to say.

Then I had to face pregnant women... It was like I had some sort of magnet attached to me. In the lunch line to check out, across from me is the most obvious pregnant woman in the tightest shirt I had ever seen (HELLOOO it is like 6 friggin degrees up here! Why are you wearing barely anything! Put some f-ing clothes on!!!) and then the conversation with the checkout lady "WOOOWW, so not much longer now huh!" Followed by the "Five more weeks! I am so tired of this, I am so over being pregnant..." At that point I think I started to hyperventiliate, I was just about to drop my tray and run when finally I noticed the check out lady was waiting for me and oh sooo miserable sucessfully pregnant woman was out of sight..

I then sat down and was eating at our group table when others joined in. Somehow we started talking about really bad names, ya know the ones like Chauchie and stuff that just is like "whatthefuckwasyourmommathinking?" And one woman leans back to show of her rotund gravid belly, and announces "WELL that is not on our list". Again I felt a spate of hyperventiliation and heart palpations building...

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I do not need anymore reminders! I do not want to see how miserable you are carrying a LIVE baby! Honestly I don't! What I would give to have a live baby within me.. Yet there is nothing I can give, and nothing I can pay, or no one to pay that will fix that!!!!

I was having a rough day to say the least. So finally after finding that I did not bring any of my contraband zanax to work with me, I decided to leave.

I could hardly make it home, I was a mixture of so angry I could piss fire, and then a depression so deep it felt like I was in the pit of some hellish nightmare. I could not help it I got home and cried, and cried and cried.. That was about the time the cramps picked up really bad and I started bleeding clots and dark red blood.. (Ding, here is the 3-4 days post surgery where my hormones crash and I start to shed what was left of my tattered uterine lining, just as my OB predicted would happen). I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die... Instead I tried getting a quick nap in with my Robbie Blanket.

I had to be up by 3:30 so I could get to Concord for my EMT refresher course that was running from 6:00pm to 10:00pm. The first of a three day training as part of my reciprocity for my EMT licensure.

So put the emotions behind me, got out the directions and off I went.. Just like so many other days, bundle the pain, the loss into a neat little package, and keep going...