Time....

Well here I am, just about at the end of the first "official" cycle post surgery/miscarriage. And the thoughts have already started creeping in....

My DD, my only is going to be 4 in July, and well, she is a strong willed, lovely little girl, but not my baby anymore... Rarely do I get the moments where I can snuggle her and run my finger down her soft cheek and watch her sleep.. More and more it is replaced with independance that flares up wanting to rule the world.....

I keep having dreams of babies, big cheeked, cherub like babies, with puffy little pink lips... WTF?!?!?!? I deam of pg bellies, of wanting to have one... wanting to feel something alive inside me again....

And then I have nightmares, or reality mares, however you want to look at them, where I never have another child... I go on having painful loss after loss, surgery after surgery.... And finally exhausted, I give up... I quit....

I just don't know....

Our economic situation has not changed, DH is still unemployed, with no "leads" to speak of, yet I think of children? I know the reality that I am getting older, and well, there will be a point where my desire to have another child will just be a pipe dream... But how can I pull myself together to risk adding more financial strain to our world? How can I risk more pain, more dissapointment? I just don't know....

But I do know.... I've got those baby wanting blues......