Thinking again...

Ok, So I was thinking again, something that I do often.. :)

So if this loss was a chromosomal disorder, and quite probably an isolated "bad egg" then what? Where my other losses the same cause? I call into question my wanting to have natural mc's and not find out.. Yes, monday morning quarterbacking, etc.. But now I wonder? But would it have made a difference? I do not know. Both DH and I were Karyotyped, which should have ruled out any chromosome disorder in either of us.. So.. Have I had multiple MC's for various reasons? All unrelated? All just bad luck (ok, if you believe in luck) ? I just don't know... I do not know what to say.. I do not know what to think..

It does bring into question my feelings of "broken". I have been carrying around the stigma from my first MW who told me quite frankly "you just have a bad womb environment" (which pissed the shventa out of me for reasons I won't digress here). I held onto that and let it feed my self loathing. My frustration with my "dysfunctional" body..

But know I wonder? Especially since my last OB told me that even though previous med pros called my first losses due to "low progesterone" she highly doubts that due to the presentation. None of my three losses that lasted the longest had any spotting before realizing that the baby was not viable. She seems to think it was more that the progesterone was low because the baby was not healthy. (First loss never saw HB at 7 or 9 weeks, but had fetal pole, yolk sack of a 6wk pg. Second loss, no HB at 7 weeks, HB seen at 8.5 weeks, fetal pole measured small, yolk sack measured unusually large, spotted at 10 weeks w/ confirmed fetal loss). I had no chromosome testing done on those pregnancies..

And then there is this pregnancy, an early loss, so early that not even a fetal pole or yolk sack developed, but my "bad womb" held onto it! My body nurtured this failed life without sign of deficiency! Take that! Maybe I am not as broken as I made myself out to be!

Now it is not a great victory, but a step a step on the path of coming to terms with the lot I have been handed.. And I still do not know why these babies were not quite right. So I question my eggs. I have gone from bad "womb" to bad egg... LOL...