And the US results are....

A little girl!

So the little belly monster playing summersaults has a name.. Baby Sister!

Just about half way...

So I am now 18 weeks, and full of mixed emotions.

The quickening happened (hate that, reminds me of the Highlander movies! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE MCQUEEN!!!!) and that is a good thing. I love those kicks and bounces.

I have also changed shape. I have only gained about a pound and a half, if that, but seems like I have redistributed it all to the front. I swear I must be on some sci fi experiment because some mornings I wake up and go 'holy cow! That bump sure looks massive! No way it is all baby!" so I am left wondering if I have more intestines than normal, or if I just have moved up in size from a compact car spare tire to a bus tire somehow?!?

We are scheduled to go in on Wednesday for the Anatomy scan. Sort of nervous about that. We will find out if it is a turtle or a hamburger (really stoopid way of looking at ultrasound pictures, if it looks like a turtle, boy, a set of hamburger buns, a girl). We have our money on a Big Mac. LOL... DD still waffles and thinks it may be a boy some times, others it is little sister.

But with this appointment I am also supposed to do the early GD screen. I am going to try and put it off since the appointment is at 8:00 am and morning glucose challenge tests are notorious for having high values. Something I would like to avoid. I think I will claim nausia and reschedule for an afternoon!

So I am stressed and trying to process as best as possible.

I have made some contacts for a local DOULA and so far have a coulple I am interested in. They all sound so great! I also tried starting my hypnobabies CD's and so far all they do is make me fall asleep! WRUGH UOOHH. The book states that is ok, because I am still subliminally taking it all in (now that is scary huh, is this me driving it or is it all post hypnotic suggestion?) Guess I don't really care as long as I can get through birth without a 16g needle in my spine!

Refusal to consent to a CS Child Neglect!

Ok, so found this while trolling the OB.NET board..

Very interesting... http://volokh.com/posts/1247782973.shtml

A case where good old DYFUS (NJ for ya...) claimed child neglect because laboring mom refused a cesarean! Took her child away! This is the opinon notes from the court hearings...

I can't go into the whole thing, but here are some bits I found refreshing!

The decision to undergo an invasive procedure such as a c-section belongs uniquely to the prospective mother after consultation with her physicians. To allow such a decision to factor into potential charges of abuse or neglect requires a prospective mother to subjugate her personal decision to a governmental agency's statutory interpretation creating a scenario that was neither contemplated nor incorporated within the four corners of the relevant statutory language. Her decision on matters as critical as this invasive procedure must be made without interference or threat. V.M.'s decision to forego a c-section had no place in these proceedings.

Follow that up with:

As the hospital records reflect, V.M. was "combative," "uncooperative," "erratic," "noncompliant," "irrational" and "inappropriate." She ordered the attending obstetrician to leave the room, did not allow the obstetrician to perform an ultrasound examination, told a nurse that "no one [was] going to touch [her] baby," refused to continuously wear the face mask that provided her with oxygen and would not remain still in order to allow for fetal heart monitoring and the administering of an epidural.

So how is that child abuse? It is not!

Our birth climate is so messed up! Women should not be afraid of legal consequences, of child protection services taking their children away because they refuse a cesarean!

In this case, even though the OB's claimed the baby was in distress, and mom was putting baby's life in danger, upon vaginal delivery, the baby was FINE! So how was the baby in so much danger to not show a mark after delivery? Because there was no danger!

So tired of defensive medicine. Tired of women being scared into submission. What will it take to wake things up?

More fear, more lies....

So I was directed to a blog, and I went there. Probably not a good idea, but hey, I did. And read about this woman's attempt at a VBAC that ended up a CBAC. And she was told she had a thin spot, not because of how the OB stitched her he told her, but how HER body healed. (more blame mom's crappy body psycho shventa).

But the thing that kills me the most is the last line, (although her entire theme ires me, which I will address second).

The most important thing is that your baby arrives safely, no matter how it gets here...

AAAKKKK!!!!!!! WTF!!!! Disposable mom story here! Nothing kills me more than to find out if my baby survived and I did not that is ok, because SAFE BABY! This statement just reeks of ignorance, of someone who is not deep of thought. It might seem cavalier, to be that self sacrificing, but it is just ignorant. There is much more to birth and to one's physical healt!

On to the second item, the idea that continuous monitoring in a hospital will PREVENT a bad outcome! Since when? How many people have been in a hospital, hooked up to a monitor and told that their c/s was emergent, and sat around for hours. Not only that, but others have blogged about this topic, and it's false sense of security. When things go bad, they go bad quick, most of the time there is NO time to prep for surgery, equip the OR, get all staff assembled, and then not to mention incision to extraction time.

Sigh... Just more lies. In the end, I hope this poster, uses her protective cocoon of lies to make herself feel better. But STOP spreading the bullshit to others.

More stress....

Well, today I had my 13w5d appointment with one of the midwives. Decided since it will be one of the last appt's DH will be able to attend without having to loose work time, we should bring DD to hear the Baby's heartbeat. Sounds like a good idea right? We told DD that there was a baby in mommy's tummy and she has been pretty cool with it. Trying to tickle baby, etc. We decided to tell her around 12 weeks because we were tired of trying to tell her to stop playing jungle gym on mommy's tummy for no good reason.

So the appt was at 9:00, and of course we were running late as usual. Had to take two cars so DH could take DD to daycare, and I could go to work without loosing out on tons of time. And it was raining.

We get there and they put us in the smallest room ever. The nurse was ok, but very dry. She did the weight (same as last time, so no gain yet!), BP (117/74), and urine dip (clean). And then we waited for the MW. DD was off the wall, and just wanted to sit on my lap the entire time. Would not sit with DH.

MW came in and introduced herself. We had a breif chat about DD birth and my plans to not schedule a repeat C/S. She sounded encouraging, but kept asking if I had discussed all of this with Dr. P. Which I have.

Then all hell broke loose. She tried finding the HB with a hand held doppler. After an excrutiating 10+ minutes of her pressing the transcever into my tender flesh trying to find the HB. We heard mine a lot, but no baby. At this point DH pretty much stared at me and tuned out. I could see he was shutting down. I was trying not to panick. I have been in these sort of situations so many times, I just start to compartmentalize. I focus on breathing, happy place, etc.

The now nervous MW told me she would go check to see if the US machine was available and get me in right now. She walked out. DH exclaimed "What the heck could have gone wrong! We just had a US at 11w5d that was fine!" at this time I shushed him, because a LOT can go wrong at any time.

DD picked up on the stress and was standing next to me, her hand on my belly. Then she calmly tells me. "Mommy, I wish I had a pair of binoculars, so I could look through your belly and see the baby." I just hugged her and told her me too.

So MW comes back and tells me US tech is available, and for me to wait here for them to come get me. DH at this point, as white as a sheet, tells me he does not know if he want's to go in there with DD.

By the time US tech fetches us, DH decides he will go in, but not happy, only there for me. So him and DD take up the seat next to me. US tech tries some small talk, talks about the us gel, etc. And when she puts the probe down low, all we see is bladder. That is where the MW was hunting around, in my bladder. After the US tech moved the probe up about three inches, closer to about an inch or two under my belly button (not on my c/s scar) there was itty bitty bean (IBB). Moving around like it was on some sort of race! I first saw IBB thrash out with an arm, and knew if there was movement, there was a HB. Sure enough HB was within normal limits, and IBB was moving all over the place, kicking, punching, stretching, rolling from front to back, side to side. Having a grand old time in there. The US tech had a hard time locking the doppler for a HB onto IBB because it kept on moving back and forth out of the beam. But it was there.

So in the end, left with a strip of images, but DH was still locked in a shell. I could not get him out of it. I had to go talk to the billing department, about what my insurance covered, etc. and he took DD out to his car to start his way to her school. He still did not look good.

I called him on my way and asked if he was OK. He told me "NO". I asked if he wanted to talk about it, and he told me, "No, not really". I tried getting him to talk. Finally all he stated was "why does this keep happening! Why is it always the same thing!". I tried to remind him that yeah, I was stressed to poo and beyond myself, but the outcome was good. IBB is still there! IBB is still moving along! I don't think I convinced him or made him feel any better.

It has been such a war zone emotionally goign through everything we have gone through, and it just seems like it does not end up. I really think DH has suffered PTSD along with me after DD's ordeal and all of our losses. But it is so hard to get him to open up, to talk about it. He told me he has been having nightmares of being chased by aliens or monsters, and always feeling like something bad is right around the corner. Too many times it has been. I wish I could make him feel better, I wish I could help him work through his fears, and maybe have some hope, to find something to cling to.

So, a long day, and it is not even over...

Pit to Distress

Found a link about "Pit to Distress" on Blog, and started doing a bit of digging around, and found this article published today in The Pittsburg Post-gazette. The original article was posted in 2006. But some interesting things in there.

Pardon the fact that I do not know how to make pretty little links.. but here is the link.. http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06193/705248-114.stm

Some things I like in this article:

"Emergencies are rare events in labor and delivery, so it's hard to keep your skills up," says Annie Herlik, Kaiser Permanente director of national risk management.

Wow, really? That is not what OB's lead you to believe, that home birth or birth center births are like playing Roulette with you and your babies life! That you Need OB's. That you could not possibly deliver a baby without their intervention.

Oxytocin is a hormone released during labor that causes contractions of the uterus. The most common brand name is Pitocin, which is a synthetic version. It's often used to speed or jump-start labor, but if the contractions become too strong and frequent, the uterus becomes "hyperstimulated," which may cause tearing and slow the supply of blood and oxygen to the fetus. Though there are no precise statistics on its use, IHI says reviews of medical-malpractice claims show oxytocin is involved in more than 50 percent of situations leading to birth trauma.

Another smack head! Pit is not the same as natural labor! Never will be! The article goes on to say:

"Pitocin is used like candy in the OB world, and that's one of the reasons for medical and legal risk," says Carla Provost, assistant vice president at Baystate, who notes that in many hospitals it is common practice to "pit to distress" -- or use the maximum dose of Pitocin to stimulate contractions.

AAAKKKK! Candy? Passing it out like there is no risk involved at all! "Oh, you are not dialated, not in labor, that is ok, we will just pump your uterus like a bellows with Pit till 1) your uterus explodes 2) baby propells spontaniously out of you 3) we deem you 'can't handle' it and cut the baby out"

Why oh why do women who spend fortunes on books, massage, bradley classes or others, and plan their births allow this to happen! Why are women going in in droves to 'be induced' What is wrong with the whole picture!

Brings me back to the Sheeple reason. Women just follow the bell, Mom, sister, cousin, friend, co-worker, put in your own label here, was induced and it was all just fine! So I will be too!

Gag me! just because someone you know has not been unfortunate does not mean that you should subscribe to the same dangerous path! Yet that is what happens daily!

Update...

11w5d and had a reassurance ultrasound done. A quick check to see if ittybitty bean is still going strong.

And yes, ittybitty is still there. HB was 160, good. And CRL measured 12w1d. So already in the 85% for size. (I know better than to let them keep this measuring stuff up, so after the 20w count the toes US, NO MORE!).

It appears so far the placenta is high and maybe a bit anterior, so looks like I won't be feeling much again... Sigh... I hate anterior placentas! I so want to feel baby flipping and flopping! Maybe this time, some how I will... But, I doubt it. I wonder why the placenta implants where it does? Why would it choose one site over the other? I did hear once that anterior placentas were more common in anteverted uterus, which is what I have... So who knows..

But overall the apt. was quick and fun, and DH had a chance to look at a screen that was not half across the room, they have one right at the foot of the bed, so I could actually see to without having to turn sideways to look out one eye. Nice little bit.

So, so far so good!

Please tell me this is because of the hormones...

I have been having the oddest dreams lately. So vivid, I wake up feeling like I actually was running in them!

So the latest installment of my early morn nightmares was actually kinda fun. I was some Klingon warior in some futuristic airport with these magnetic people movers, looked like florescent arrows on the floor (like something out of mario cart where you stepped on them and zoom!). And my job was to "take out" someone. It happened to be my ex-director from a previous job. Dressed in horrible hawaiian style shirt, bermuda shorts, panama hat and sunglasses, carrying a breifcase! So the whole dream was me running, and shooting, and acting like I was in zero G as I tried to assasinate him! The dream even took me outdoors where I was chasing down jumbo jets with my plasma gun! At one point I hopped a ride on one of those baggage carts, but it felt like I was moving in slow motion and jumped off.

Next thing I knew, I woke up, and still do not know if I got my mark... Sigh...

I am writing this one off to hot flashes, hormones and too much sci fi in my life. :)

Yes, I am silly....

So I picked up one of those POAS (pee on a stick) gender determination test kits. From the company http://www.intelligender.com.

And well, decided to give it a try. WTH right? We already kinda have an idea of what bean is. Esp since we know that we BD once, and based on when I was supposed to O was early, so based on girl swimmers (x) are longer lived, and boy swimmers (y's) swim faster but peeter out sooner (ha ha ha), the chances of us having a XX bean seems more logical.

So I followed the instructions, that make the test seem so complicated. You POAC first, and then syringe in 20mL of FMU (first morning urine for you that have not made POAS part of your habitual morning routine) into a cup containing stuff that looks like fairy dust. No kidding, it actually sparkles and has blue bits of glitter in it!??! Real scientific huh?

And then you are to swirl it gently for 10 seconds, and then NEVER touch it again. So you have to place it on a white paper towel or something. And then wait EXACTLY 10 minutes, no more no less.

So I followed the instructions and let it sit. I went down and checked the website since they were supposed to have color pictures of Boy results and Girl results. Boys were supposed to turn green, and Girls stay pee yellow.

Consulted DH and told him what I was doing. He thought I was nutzo! Because he is convinced it is a girl bean as well. But we both treked up to the bathroom and stood there staring at the floaty contents.. Like some mystic magic pot... (This is actually another thing that is not new to us, after the POAS comes the analysis, "is this two lines?" "Do you think that looks darker?" "Is it blue?" "Does that look like an evap line?" Even went as far as to have DH POAS once to verify that the test was not bad.... crazy, I know...)

And the results?

PEE YELLOW

Yup. A girl bean. :)

Was not much of a supprise, but I guess one can always hold out that somehow I might actually be able to buy the mini construction boots.... On the bright side, I have a wardrobe already!

So now it is only to "confirm" with ultrasound at the 20 week appointment.

Speaking of bellies...

Well it has started. My soon to be 4 year old DD decided to bring up the discussion.

"Mommy, who's belly did you grow up in?" My response "I grew in grammie's belly".

"Whos belly did daddy grow up in?" My response "Daddy grew in Nana's belly".

Then she looked at me and askd..

"who grew in grandpa's belly?" Both DH and I calmly stated "No one. Only Mommies, and grandmas have the chance to have babies grow in their bellies". She seemed fine with that answer, but then the next one came.

"Well, how do they get out? Do they dig and dig and pop out?" At which point DH and I had to stifle a laugh (because if we laugh, she is in that delicate girl stage where she will start to cry and tell us to stop laughing at her, like we just crushed her.... btw when does that end?) and DH responded, "Mommy will tell you about that much later, ok."

That lead into Lies to Children. "Well you know how Santa clause can fit down the chimney? How it is magic, well it is magic how babies are born!". That seemed to appease her curiosity for now, and then she was off onto another subject.

Phew.... I am just not prepared for these types of conversations!

Who did I just meet?

thought I would update you on my first prenatal appointment with OB/WM group. And the verdict is??!??!?? Did I really meet with an OB? Yeah, it was that amazing. I cannot believe how I feel after the appointment yesterday. I had a 4:10 appointment and did not leave the office until close to 6:00! All that time I was with the OB! The whole practice is really nice and friendly, and like I stated, from the things this OB was saying, I really did not feel like I was with an OB at all! At one point she stated "AGOG is NOT our friend" Another one was "I feel bad that medicine has gone the way it has and forces women to abandon hospitals, just to have birth options". She was just amazing. The whole practice is pro VBAC and told me that I would have to sign the scary concent form, which I told her was fine, since I already have educated myself on the risks, and wondered about the scary RCS consent form. Her response was , well VBAC risk is mom and baby, and RCS risk is all to the mom (which she added if it was done late enough so that the baby was mature).She was wonderful. Tried finding the HB with a hand held doppler, but we both knew 9 weeks is too early for that. Before she tried she asked me "are you going to be OK if we don't find it? Because if it will cause you more stress, we won't even try". I told her I was already a nervous mess due to my loss history.. We tried and could not find it. But at the end she snuck out to see who was left in the building and then had me go down to the new US machine and we checked on bean. She was so excited to see too! It was so cute, we were both just staring at bean turn to the side, roll around and move it's little arms and legs for a while. The HB was good and strong. I think it was the first time I actually came to the realisation that "THIS IS HAPPENING! I am pregnant! This one might just stick around!" It was a massive flood of positive emotions..She was completely ok with me staying on Metformin. without me having to push the point at all. She stated that she thinks it would be a great idea, and that there has been some great results with it. She even feels that I might be able to skate under the radar when it comes to GD. Since she feels that last time I was not GD at all but over managed by my OB group. We even talked about HBAC. She told me that even staying on the metformin, I probably could find a HBMW to support me if that was my choice. She told me honestly she wished that all VBAC moms were able to be comfortable in a hospital and how it sucked that hospitals have become so bad. She did state that their hospital policies were pretty liberal and I could move, eat, drink, etc at the hospital, and she hopes I would consider it. That she would love to be a part of my pregancy till the end.It was downright amazing. I am still in shock that something could be so utterly different than the past five OB groups I have seen! So I go next to meet the MW's in 4 weeks!

Busy Monday...

Well I had an 8:00 allergist appointment, where i was scolded for not comming in sooner and suffering all winter/spring with stuffy/runny nose and congestion from my allergies. I felt like a dork.. But with life so busy, and well, I just dealt with it. Annoying yes, but carrying tons of cleenex became a normal thing for me.

And this afternoon I have my first OB appointment. I am hopefull that I can have a good relationship with them, and hopefully start this journey off better than my last one. My task this AM was pulling all my paperwork out that this OB will want to see. That meant me digging through my 4" binder of medical jargon hell, trying to find what is pertinent.

It was not fun, dug up a bunch of stuff I wish I never had to live through. Most of all I hate the fact that my cesarean for DD is marked as ELECTIVE! That pisses me off. In no way did I choose just to have a cesarean because I wanted one! I hate the fact that it does not state "OB Required" Because that is what it was! OB required due to their fear! FEAR! That they could not control my birth outcome! But the sad fact of the matter is NO HUMAN can control the outcome of my pregnancies and birth! Only GOD! And last time I checked he was not making guestimates behind the ultrasound machine or weilding a scalpel to dissect me!

So, I just do not know how to handle this. I am really nerovus and know my blood pressure will probably be all wacked out.. Due to stress! Sigh...

Guess I will try and post more after the appointment. But we are going on vacation Tuesday night, so my time is limited with all the housework and packing I have to do..

Gosh, ya think?!??!

Just came across this great blog called The Man Nurse ( http://mannursediaries.blogspot.com/2009/05/nearly-bleeding-to-death-from-cesarean.html ) And he had a post about a woman who prit near died from an "elective" breach cesarean.



The best part I have added below:

""""Why did she have a C-section? It was a scheduled section for breech presentation. The baby was 6 pounds; need I suggest a breech vaginal birth might have been safer? There are two things I see going on here. The first is that people have the impression that c-sections are minor surgical operations. They're not. A section is a major abdominal surgery with multiple risks. The second is that the cost-benefit decision of whether to "let" breech babies come out vaginally has been decided, probably by malpractice insurance policies, to be not worth the cost. But the risks of a breech birth are against the baby (e.g. cord compression by the descending head); the risks of a section are against the baby and mother. If nothing else, this decision presumes 1. risk to more people and 2. consent by the mother to place themselves at higher risk to eliminate one perceived risk to their baby. I don't know that this is a fair decision, and I don't think most mothers are informed that this is the choice they are being compelled by their healthcare providers to make. """"""""

Wow! that is profound! I stated the exact thing when I was coerced into an "elective" cesarean due to my projected to be macrosomic infant! What risk do I take for a percieved risk the OB fears, not only in this pregnancy, but to future pregnancies and the rest of my life?

It is not a fair decision, and women are NOT informed! But most OB's tell you a cesarean is no big deal! That today it is so safe... That it does not matter how the baby arrives! Just that the baby is gueranteed to be 100% healthy by some omipotent OB with a scalpel.

Too bad I do not consider adhesions, numbness, bladder issues, and oh, the ever to be feared exploding uterine incision to be taken lightly as the OB feels when he claims I am healthy!

A teeny update...

Well, not much to post. 8w6d today. Still exhausted and still have nausea all the time. But able to eat most of the time, and have not had any re-visitations so that is a GOOOOD thing.

Things have been going smoothly, my nervous ninny side has calmed a bit. I think it is because my life has been so darned hectick lately with the "playground project" and extra stuff that came up at work, requiring me to be in at 7:00 am instead of my usual 8:30... Makes a difference when you are draggin azz on a normal day! Poor DH has really had to pick up a lot of the house load... he grumbles a bit, but at least he is still doing it. Sometimes he makes me feel like I am being nauseous or tired on purpouse to get out of my share of the housework, but that is not the case, I just know that if I am that tired, I MUST rest. That for some reason bean wants rest...

I should have more to post tomorrow, I have my first appointment with a MW/OB group in the area. From what I have heard they are pretty decent and supportive. I guess I will find out for myself soon enough.

The whole thing I am wrasslign right now is the fact that I have been on Metformin since 2007, and feel great on it. Before I started the met, I had gained like 20 lbs in about 4 weeks and constantly felt like crap with no good reason for it. But since i am on it for PCOS, they pull me off of it cold turkey around 10 weeks. And I don't think I should stop. I had some mild sugar things going on with DD, and have read some really positive stuff about met and preventing GD, etc. Now I just have to see if I can find a healthcare provider who will lean my way.

Off to find my journal articles on met and pregnancy...